They'll Never Know
by sweetcrimefighter
Summary: Bella has been abused and raped by Phill for 7 years. Events lead her to move to Forks. Will she push everyone away or let them in? Will she overcome the darkness within? Rated M for Rape. Please read and review, thanks.
1. Chapter 1: Broken Beyond Repair

**_A/N : Story title inspire by the song They'll Never Know by Ross Copperman, a great song, there is a piece of it at the end. This is an All-Human story, first timer for me. Hope you enjoy, please read._**

**They'll Never Know**

**Chapter 1: Broken Beyond Repair**

_'Life's a bitch and then you die'_; that was my life's philosophy. Life simply sucked! I didn't always have such a negative outlook on life, but certain events changed me and my view on everything. When I was younger, innocent, I used to think life was a gift. Thinking that now made me sick - life was anything but a gift; it was hell.

***

I lay in my bed - shaking under the covers, sweating bullets - as I watched my bedroom door slowly open, revealing a small ray of light from the hallway. This was no new experience, I knew exactly what was happening. But that didn't make it any less terrifying or sickening.

Every night I prayed he would just stay away and leave me alone - my prayers were never answered. No one had ever rescued me during these 7 agonizing years, and no one ever would. I knew that, but I still couldn't help but hope for some sort of salvation.

After several seconds - though it felt like a lifetime to me - the tall, dark haired, man standing in the doorway entered my room. Even in the dark I could see his mischievous smile, the grin in his eyes, the reddening of his skin as he eyed me from head to toe. He walked up to the bed and sat down at the end of it, pushing the blanket that lay above me away and began stroking my bare legs. I could've worn jeans or something, but that always pissed him off, so I just wore shorts now.

I hated him with all my heart, I did. I hated myself for not stopping him; but I didn't have much of a choice. Phill was my mother's husband, he had been for the past 7 years now. He often threatened her if I mentioned I was going to tell. He knew that was my weakness, he knew I would never do anything to hurt her. So I remained silent. Renée (my mom) knew nothing of this, and it was my mission to keep it that way. It was one thing if I was hurting; I couldn't let her hurt with me. She was happy with Phill, she had no idea what kind of monster he was. And I would keep it that way even if it killed me.

He said nothing as he groped my body - sometimes I could hear him lick his lips and smack them together, but that was all the sound that came from any of us. I was a statue, hard as stone. I didn't move a muscle; I remained perfectly still. I didn't fight either - fighting was useless and only brought on more pain than necessary. However, sometimes I couldn't control the movements my body made as it tried to fight back. When that happened, I was always covered in bruises when morning came.

Phill ripped of my white, tank top and pulled of my shorts and underwear - I focussed entirely on keeping my mind blank; it was the best I could do to keep from screaming. When I heard him open his zipper and remove his pants, my body began reacting. I started trashing around, waving my arms and legs in the air, hitting whichever part of him I could. He began hitting me as punishment - I kept fighting back, but did not make a sound; I never made a sound.

Tears ran down my cheeks as he forcefully entered me, damaging me even more. Everytime I thought he couldn't damage me any more than he already had, and each time I was wrong. My legs lay flat on the bed again, unmoving, but my arms kept hitting at him while he kept hurting me. Finally, he was tired with the movements my arms made and pinned them down above my head.

My entire body ached, protesting against the violent movements of Phill ontop and inside of me. He was always more barbaric when I fought back than when I didn't - part of me even thought he liked it that way. His movements inside my body were quick and harsh; he chuckled as I silently whimpered in pain. It were always silents whimpers, loud enough for Phill and me to hear, but silent enough so Renée couldn't possible hear them.

When he finished and put his pants back on, he stroked loose strains of hair out of my face and kissed me on the lips - I didn't respond to that, I was shattered, again, for the millionth time. He moved his lips to my ear and whispered, "Our little secret." He always said that, always made sure I knew what would happen if I even thought of telling someone. I didn't respond to that either, he knew I heard him and I would remain silent. This was indeed our secret; a heinous, repulsive, little secret - but a secret it was.

He left my room then, to go back to Renée's room an lay in her arms as if nothing ever happened - she wouldn't even notice his absence, she was a firm sleeper. Nor would she question my knew bruises in the morning; it was a well known fact that I was a big klutz, so she thought any bruises I had came from me falling down.

I got out of my bed and walked to my bathroom and stepped inside the shower, turning the hot and cold water on. I showered a lot, usually three times a day, sometimes even five or more. I could never shower enough, I felt so dirty, so disgusting all the time - not a thousand showers could change that feeling, but I could try.

The hot water soothes my tense, soar, muscles - relaxed me a little. I could already see the new bruises forming above and next to my old ones - which were already different shades of blue, purple, yellow and even green.

I tried not to think of what just happened, but despite my efforts, I did think about it. And I hated myself for being so weak, for leading him on to think he could get away with it. It was all my fault, I made him to this. My knees buckled in and I slumped to the floor, crying silent cries. Would this hell never stop? Would he continue this until I finally died, by his or my hand? No, I couldn't think of dying by my own hand - by his, yes, but not by mine. I couldn't do that to Renée or Charlie (my father, who lived in Forks). If death would come, it would come in the form of Phill. I would not hurt myself, I owed my parents too much.

***

School the next day was the same as ever - lonely, boring, terrifying. I always felt lonely, even around people, so that wasn't really such a big issue. School had not always seemed so boring, I only began to feel that way when the abuse started. But school had never been so terrifying as it was since Phill started hurting me.

I had no friends; Phill wouldn't allow it. I attended a big school here in Phoenix, my home. Half of the kids didn't notice me - the other half that did notice me thought I was a freak and picked on me every chance they got. Sometimes they would even beat me - that didn't happen often, but it did happen. I was terrified of people, of everyone; Phill had made sure of that.

I was sitting in my Math class, not paying any attention, when the door opened and a police officer stepped inside and walked over to the teacher's desk to talk to her. Mrs. Malloy, my teacher, listened for a second before her expression turned very dark - sadness written all over her face.

She stood up, scanned the class with her eyes, and when she found me, stared at me intently. "Bella, could you come outside with me, please?" She asked, her tone very sombre. I was beginning to feel anxious; had they learned about the abuse? Were they here to take me away from Renée? No, I couldn't let that happen; Phill would hurt her. "W-why?" I uttered, vagely aware that the entire class was staring at me now. "Please just come," Mrs. Malloy said.

Reluctantly, I stood up and followed her and the police officer just outside the class. We stood there for a while in awkward silence; silence I wouldn't break if my life depended on it. But then again, my life didn't matter, it was Renée's that did. Her's depended on it, so even if they suspected some type of abuse, I would remain quiet. Finally, the police officer spoke.

"You are Isabella Dwyer?" He asked me, I sighed. First: I hated the name Isabella, my name was Bella. Only Phill called me Isabella, which only gave me more reason to hate it. Second: Dwyer was Phill's last name, and now my mother's too, but mine was and would always be Swan.

"Bella-Bella Swan," I clarified, the officer nodded.

"Ms. Swan, I am very sorry to tell you that earlier this morning Renée and Phill Dwyer got into a car accident. They died on impact."

I was frozen into place instantly; Renée was dead? How could that happen? I couldn't care less about Phill; if the news about my mother wasn't so horrible, I would've celebrated the news of his death. But all I could think of now was Renée.

"M-my m-mom is dead?" I asked, still unable to believe it. The words sounded foreign in my ears, though I said them, it felt like I had listened to someone say them. The officer nodded, grimly. Mrs. Malloy grabbed my hand and looked at me with sympathy. "Is there anyone we can call for you, sweetie?" She asked, I nodded. I still had one person left, though I was scared to go to him, scared he would hurt me now too, but I still had him left.

I realized I was crying and my body was shaking - I had lost my mother; she was my everything. She was the reason I was still alive. She was, along with Charlie, the only person I didn't hate. I didn't hate her for marrying Phill, I couldn't. And now she was gone; after everythign I had endured to keep her safe, she was simply taken away from me in a stupid car accident. It felt unreal.

"You can call my dad, Charlie Swan. He's the chief of police in Forks, Washington," I said, my voice sounded dead, hollow - the same way I felt. If I had thought I was broken before, I had been wrong. This was the last straw - now I was really broken, beyond repair. And I knew it.

***

_'Cuz all that you are  
Is beautiful child  
But they'll never know  
They'll never know'_

_They'll Never Know by Ross Copperman_

**_A/N : Reviews make me update faster, the more reviews, the faster the chapters come. Keep that in mind. Thanks._**


	2. Chapter 2: Forks

**_A/N : Short chapter, I know, sorry for that. It was just a filler, something to write her arrival in Forks down. The next chapters will be longer and will contain flashbacks and/or dreams. Hope you enjoy, please review. Thanks._**

**Chapter 2: Forks.**

It had been 6 days since I received the news of Renée's death - it had been six days since I had last cried. During the funeral yesterday, I didn't cry - I didn't shed one tear. The friends of Renée and Phill that attended the funeral thought I was just in a shocked state and that that was why I didn't cry - they were wrong.

I had cried for hours after I received the news - all the tears I shed then were for Renée, none were for that sick bastard who entirely deserved what happened to him. But after those hours; I didn't cry anymore, and hadn't since. I felt empty, hollow - a shell of my former self, which hadn't been much to start with. I had already been so broken thanks to _him_, the death or Renée only broke the last part of me that was still alive.

I knew I had to be strong for Charlie - I was all he had now - but I couldn't find it in me to keep up pretenses any longer. I wasn't fine, far from it. It didn't matter anyway - everyone would think I was just mourning my mother's death. It sickened me that that wasn't the truth, I wasn't mourning her death. I wasn't mourning anything anymore. I didn't even have it in me to hate anymore. I didn't have anything in me anymore.

The only thing I had left in me were nightmares - during all the years of abuse, I never once had a nightmare. Maybe that was because I knew I had to be strong for Renée; I don't know. But the day she and shit-head died, the nightmares started. Well, nightmares was a wrong word - it was only one nightmare; always the same. In the nightmare, I was in my room - shivering, scared to death. Then Phill would come, rip all my clothes of and violate me like he always did. That wasn't the most horrific part, though it sucked that now I was finally free of him that he had to torture me in my dreams too. No, the most horrific part was that Renée was also there. She just stood at the bedroom door, watching as Phill stripped me of any dignity I had left, smiling and laughing at me. That's when the screams began and I would wake up.

I had no idea if the nightmares had anything to do with their death or with my new sense of emptyness, but I didn't care. I cared about nothing anymore. I realized I always hoped one day fuck-face would go too far and kill me. Now that that option was out of the window, I wanted nothing more than to kill myself. The only reason I hadn't yet was because of Charlie. I could muster up enough emotions to still care for him - though it drained me even more. So, I wouldn't kill myself, for Charlie. But I would find some other outlet, I needed something.

I was sitting at the airport of Port Angelos now, waiting for Charlie to come and pick me up. My plain had landed early, an hour ago, but I hadn't called Charlie to let him know - I wanted some time alone. I wanted nothing more than to be left alone now, though I knew that was not a possibility.

"Bella!" I heard a familiar voice call out, pulling me from my intense thoughts - Charlie. I looked up and saw him running over to me; he never showed much emotion, I was like him in that way, but I could clearly see how happy he was to see me now. I stood up and met him halfway. He leaned in to hug me, but I flinched away from his touch - I hated when someone touched me, it only brought back memories I wanted badly to forget - he looked hurt by it, but quickly recovered. I couldn't bring it in myself to feel bad for hurting him, caring was all I had left, and it was hard to hold on to as it was.

"It's nice to see you, Bell," Charlie said, smiling at me - he looked old, older than the last time I had seen him. His hair was almost all gone, he had more wrinkles, he seemed to have a permanent frown on his forehead, and his smile didn't really reach his eyes like it would when I was little. All those little things made him look a lot older than he really was.

"Are you ready to go home?" Charlie asked, I simply nodded and followed him outside to his police cruiser. I frowned, I would have to save up for a car of my own if I wanted to avoid being driven to school in a cop car all the time, or walk.

The drive to Forks was quiet, Charlie wasn't much of a speaker, like me. I was grateful and annoyed by the silence at the same time. Grateful, because I didn't have to keep up happy pretenses. Annoyed, because of the silence I was thinking about topics I'd rather avoid as much as possible.

It was raining outside - I liked the rain, I used to love the sun when I was little, but when the abuse started, I began preffering the rain - it reminded me of my own sombre mood. Forks was one of the coldest, most rainy states in the US; it would come in handy these first few months. I was still covered in bruises, which would most likely need several months to heal. In Phoenix, people always thought I was a freak because I wore long sleeved shirts while it was hot outside, and my teachers would always question me about it. This wouldn't happen here; here, everyone wore long sleeved shirts since it was almost always cold outside.

When we reached Charlie's house, I gasped for air. On the driveway, an old, red, Chevy truck stood. It was beautiful! This was probably the first real emotion I had felt all week; awe. Charlie grinned when he saw my face, I eyed him curiously, I had no idea what was going on.

"I had a feeling you wouldn't want to have a police escort to school every day, so I bough you this truck. I got it from a good friend of mine, she's old, but she runs great," Charlie confessed, followed by a caugh and his head turning to avoid my shocked stare. Back home, I never got any presents from anyone but Renée. And whenever Phill would give me a present, to please Renée, he would take it away afterward and punish me for being so greedy - his words, not mine.

"T-thanks," I uttered, Charlie mumbled a silent 'you're welcome' and then we both got out of the cruiser and walked over to my new truck. I had never, ever had a car in my life. I had my license, though, and Renée would have given me a truck if it hadn't 've been for Phill convincing her I was too young and irresponsible. I had no idea how she could have believed that, she of all people knew I was anything but irresponsible. She always said I was middle-aged because I behaved more grown-up than her. If she had only known the reason behind that. But now it was too late, she would never know. She was gone, and I was hollow. And I would stay that way for the rest of my life, I was sure of that.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	3. Chapter 3: One Time Kinda Thing

**_A/N: Thanks to those who have reviewed so far. So, third chapter, really dark, so you're warned. Enjoy._**

**Chapter 3: One Time Kinda Thing**

Charlie led me up to my room - I kept my distance all the time - and showed me where all my stuff was and then he showed me the bathroom and the door to his room. My room had changed so much, I was shocked. The colour on the walls was now a dark purple - my bed was bigger - I had my own desk and laptop as well, it looked pretty nice. The only thing that remained the same was my nanna's old quilt and rocking chair - I used to love those when I was little, I didn't feel much for them now.

One of the best things about Charlie was that he didn't hover; he left me alone to sort things out for myself and headed downstairs. It was funny how different he was from Renée, she would have wanted to stay with me until I was completely settled.

I closed my door - I tried to lock it but it was stuck or something, I'd have to fix that - sad down on my bed and just stared ahead of me, looking at nothing in particular. It didn't take long before my thoughts turned grim once again.

I thought about all the years of sexual abuse I had to endure - all the years of torture and false pretences. It had been so cruel to keep up a happy front for Renée while I was dying on the inside. It had been sickening to see Renée so in love with Phill while I knew what kind of monster he was. I had done everything in my power to shield her from the pain I felt, and I had succeeded too. But then she just died on me, leaving all my efforts in vain.

I was beginning to feel guilty she was dead, I was wondering if I could have stopped it somehow. What if I had told someone about what fuck-face did to me almost every single night? Would Renée and I have been somewhere else then? Would she not have gotten into that car accident? Would she still be alive? I didn't know the answer to any of these things, I only knew one thing, it was my fault. It was all my fault, I was nothing more than a devil who should be dead.

I sighed, I was thinking too much again. I was numb to the outside world, but apparantly not to my own feelings. I figured now was a good time for a shower; I got my toilet-bag out of my small suit-case and headed to the bathroom. I turned on the hot and cold water - more hot than cold, because hot worked better to wash away some of the filth - and stripped out of my clothes. I made a move to grab my toilet-bad, which was standing on the sink, but instead of grabbing it, I knocked it over. All of the bag's contents fell out and one thing caught my eye - it was laying in between my strawberry scented shampoo and my bruise cover-up cream - a razor.

I hadn't even noticed I had bent down, picked it up, straightened up and was now twirling it around in my hands - careful not to cut myself. It was as if someone else had picked it up, and I had been watching.

I stepped into the shower - the razor still in my hands - and let the water cleanse me. I was staring at the razor - for once I wasn't scrubbing myself until I bled - and was trying to figure out why I picked it out. I wasn't going to kill myself - I made a mental promise to Charlie - so why was I still holding it? Without giving it another thought, I brought the razor to my thigh and sliced my skin with it. I stopped breathing through my nose once I saw the blood running from my thigh to my foot, getting washed away by the water in the process. I couldn't stand the smell of blood - it made me sick to my stomach. You'd think after all the times Phill beat me until I bled I'd be used to it now, but I wasn't.

The razor now lay on the tiles of the shower floor - I dropped it after I cut myself, again, without even noticing I did it. My leg stung, but not in a bad way, it actually felt good. I had no idea why I would feel good after cutting myself, it should hurt, just like the bruises jerkoff gave me. But it didn't hurt, it stung and felt good - I was stunned, it was making me feel. Feel good, nonetheless.

I had no idea why it made me feel good, but I picked the razor up again - this time aware of my actions - and brought it to the sking of my thigh again. I made another incision just under the other cut. This time I felt the effect even more as I slid the razor across my skin - it felt amazing, liberating. It was as if I was flying and all my worries were left behind - it was the most extraordinary feeling I'd ever experienced.

After about an hour and 3 cuts later, I was stepping out of the shower and drying off. Now that the water wasn't touching my cuts anymore, the blood started flowing freely again from all 5 cuts on my thigh. Once I had my underwear on, I wrapped the towel around my thigh very thightly and searched for some bandages in the cabinets under the mirror. I found what I was looking for and bandaged my thigh, hoping the blood wouldn't come through.

As I looked at myself in the mirror, the feeling of numbness and self-loathing came back. Every part of me, except my face, was covered in bruises - some worse than others. I was so ugly and dirty, I needed to clean myself even more. I needed to get rid of all the dirt. But what I really needed was my razor - I wanted to cut again. I wanted to cut everything, cut out the bruises, the filth. I was slightly beginning to panick - I wasn't a cutter, I had never felt the urge to cut. This was just a one time kinda thing, that was all. So, then, why did I feel the need to cut again?

I shook my head and quickly left the bathroom - almost running on my way out - and into my room. I felt like crying, but I didn't, crying wasn't an option for me anymore. I was disgusted with myself, above all, I was now a cutter?! I wouldn't do it again, I would fight the urge, I couldn't do it again. Though it made me feel while I did it, it was wrong and dirty and sick - I would never do it again!

***

_'I bleed it out digging deeper  
Just to throw it away_

I bleed it out digging deeper  
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper  
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away  
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out'

_Bleed it out by Linkin Park_

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**_A/N: Please review! I need reviews like a vampire needs blood, or I'll go crazed with hunger and who knows what will happen to the story then. Thanks :)_**


	4. Human Cullens or Vampire Cullens?

**Human Cullens or Vampire Cullens???**

**_Hey, I was originally planning on making this an all-human story, but I've gotten some questions if this will be a vampire story or not. So, I wanted to ask you all, do you want me to make the Cullens vampires, or make them human?_**

**_If you want a say in this, just leave a comment on this story. The majority rules, so be sure to vote if you want to see the Cullens vamps or humans. Thanks, and see you all soon._**


	5. Chapter 4: Flashback

_**A/N: So, I counted all the votes and MY GOD there were many. In the end it were votes for vampires and votes for human Cullens, so, it's human Cullens. I do think it will work out best for the story and I hope that even those who wanted vampires will continue reading. Also, this chapter conatins a VERY graphic rape scene, so you are warned. I would say enjoy, but I'm not sure if that is the right thing. So I'll say nice read!**_

**Chapter 4: Flashback**

_I sighed as I sat down on my bed with my old copy of Wuthering Heights in my hands. Tonight would be pure torture - Renée was gone for the entire night on some buisines thingy and wouldn't be back until tomorrow evening - Phill loved it when she was gone; it gave him more time to do whatever he wanted with me without the risk of exposure._

_I heard the front door slam shut and a car pull away from the house - Renée was gone and I was left here alone with my worst nightmare. _

_5...4...3...2...1... I counted the seconds in my head before he would be bursting through this door. And sure enough, once I reached 0, there he was, standing at the entrence of my bedroom with a sly smug on his face. I opened the drawer of my nightstand and carefully placed my favorite book in it - it had been a present from my real father, Charlie, when I was little - there was no way I would let him get his hands on it._

_He closed the distance between us as he walked forward and, just as he was about to place his hands on me, I kicked him where the sun don't shine - hard! He screamed out in pain and I ran away from him as fast as I could without tripping. I knew I would pay for that, but I didn't care; Renée wasn't here, so I had the opportunity to fight back for once. Though, there was only so much I could do as a small, 13 year old girl against a grown man._

_Thankfully, I reached the bottom of the stairs without tripping and quickly ran through the house to find a hiding place. I started to panic when I couldn't find any good spots and by the time I did spot one place that would have been perfect, I felt a rough hand on my neck yank me back and next thing I knew I was lying on the floor, a throbbing sensation in the back of my head from when I hit it against the cold, marble floor._

_"Do that again bitch, and I'll kill you AND mommy-dearest. Got it?" He asked as he spat the words in my face - I didn't respond, I couldn't. I was doomed and I knew it; I couldn't even have a fair chance at fighting back without compromising my mother's safety - 'cause so help me god, if it were just for my safety's sake, I would fight like no other._

_He pulled me up by my shoulders, gripping them hard and pulled my head back by pulling at my hair. "I asked, got it?" He asked and while his tone sounded friendly enough; I knew he was just playing games - his eyes showed nothing else but pure wickedness._

_"Yes, sir," I replied, my tone flat and devoid of any emotions, knowing what would follow. Even if I didn't struggle anymore tonight, he would still hurt me more because of what I did earlier. And with that thought, he punched me in the stomach - still holding on to me so I wouldn't fall - and dragged me back up the stairs. _

_I knew which room he was taking me to; it wasn't mine. Eversince the abuse started at age 10, he always told me how his biggest fantasy was to, quote, 'fuck me three way from sunday in his big bed'. The first time Renée went on a businus trip was 1 year, 3 months and 2 days ago and he showed me he wasn't lying. He had never been so rough and I hadn't even hit him then, so I couldn't dare imagine how he would be now._

_Once we were inside his and Renée's room, he pushed me onto the bed with so much force I almost rolled off again - I managed to straighten myself just in time. I was looking at my monster with tearfilled eyes, praying he would be gentle, knowing he wouldn't be. _

_He walked over to his stereo-installation and put in a cd. Soon, the song Lady Marmelade began to play - what was he up to? Usually he just tore my clothes off and had his 'fun', so what was he doing now?_

_"Dance for me, Isabella," he said with a lustfull look in his eyes - I looked up at him in confusion. Why wasn't he hurting me yet? What was the hold up? Why did he want met to dance? I couldn't dance, everyone knew that, I had no co-ordiantion._

_He sighed. "Dance for me and strip, Isabella, now."_

_*gulp* He wanted me to performe as a striptease? Now I knew I was in deep shit for what I did earlier. I didn't want to do this, I didn't want to hummiliate myself even further than necessary. He sighed again; he was getting impatient. Knowing I had no choice whatsoever, I reluctantly stood up from the bed and began 'dancing' and stripping out of my clothes. Several times I saw him lick his lips with the tip of his tongue, each time it made me want to gag._

_After a while, I was standing before Phill without any clothes left on me to protect my fragile body. I felt as if he were raping me with his eyes, which was funny since he would be raping me any second now. The song had stopped and I stood as still as a statue, frozen in time and space. _

_He looked at me with a treacherous smile plastered on his face, then stepped forward and pushed me, causing me to fall down on the bed. I crawled as far away from his as I could until I felt my back rub against the headboard. I was trapped with this monstrosity for the millionth time and there was nothing I could do to stop him. _

_He climbed on the bed, fully naked - he had removed his clothes while I was crawling away from him - and climbed ontop of me. My entire body went riggid, immobile - I was nothing more than a frozen statue waiting to endure another round of torture._

_I didn't fight or cry when he grabbed a fistfull of my hair, yanked my head back and fiercefully shoved his tongue in my mouth. I didn't struggle when he pulled my legs apart, preparing to enter me once again. I did let out a small groan when I felt him enter me - you'd think I'd get used to it after 3 years, but no, it still hurt. _

_He pushed himself inside me, gently, at first; which surprised me because he was never so 'gentle'. But when he suddenly started squeezing my breasts with his hands and was thrusting in me harder than ever, I let out a small scream combined with a kind of 'Oh' sound, indicating that I now realized that this was his plan all along. He wanted to take me off guard and he had. _

_He punched my stomach twice when my arms lifted themselves up to protect my body - I had hardly noticed doing it, I was someplace else. He thrust in me even harder after that, while his mouth was leaving trails of kisses and saliva on my breasts - he even bit in them a few times, causing me to moan from the pain. _

_I felt even more disgusted with myself when I felt him come inside me, not even bothering to pull away and he wore no condom! I was glad I had started taking the pill once I got my period - the doctor had suggested it to regulate my period, so Renée suspected nothing else going on. _

_Eventually, he pulled out of me, but he wasn't finished yet, instead, he entered my most private area with 3 of his fingers. This was different than before, he had never done this, but it wasn't pleasant at all, none of it was. His nails dug into my skin and he pushed them in as far as possible. I could feel and smell a warm liquid coming from me, running down my legs, I was bleeding. Half of the time I bled when he raped me, the other half I didn't. I hated it when I bled, the salty, coper smell of it made me dizzy and caused my stomach to twitch involentarily. Also, I would have to wash the sheets as soon as possible, or the blood stains would remain and my mom would get suspicious; I couldn't have that, I needed to protect her._

_After what seemed like hours, he pulled his fingers out of me and lifted me up from the bed so I was standing before him. He pushed down, hard, on my shoulders, causing my knees to buckle in so I was now sitting on them. I was staring at the ground, everywhere but at the sight of his rather large manlyhood before me. I had no idea what he was doing, this was new territory for me. Usually, he just raped me and got it over with - he had done so much more this night and I was afraid of what he might do now._

_"Suck it!" He suddenly commanded, looking fiercely at me while gloating. I almost threw up in my mouth as the understanding of what he wanted me to do seeped into me. I didn't move, however. "W-what?" I asked, hoping he was kidding, knowing he wasn't._

_"I said, suck it! Give me a blowjob," he said, looking at me with murderous eyes - I knew if I dissobayed him he would only get madder, but I still didn't move, I couldn't. It was then I felt a sharp sting on my cheek where his hand connected with my skin - I was shocked. He never hit me on my face, out of fear of exposure. It was then that I knew more than ever that he had lost his mind, the evil bastard!_

_With shaking hands, I grabbed him in my hands and moved my mouth closer untill he was in my mouth. From the moment that happened, I had to keep back the vomit that wanted to make it's way up. I had no idea of what to do, so I just moved my mouth up and down - he didn't fit entirely in my mouth, he was too big and I was too small._

_His hands twisted in my hair and he pushed my head so he was deeper inside me - I couldn't help but gag when he was completely in my throat, forcing me to breath through my nose. He started moving my head up and down with his hands while I forced myself not to barf._

_He came in my mouth and forced me to swallow his sperm - it was the most foullest thing I had ever had the displeasure to have in my mouth. At last, he shoved myself away from him and I felt to the ground, heaving. He bend down so his face was only inches from me and spoke, "Next time you pull a stunt like the one you pulled earlier, I won't be as nice as today," He said and I almost scoffed when he said he had been nice - he had never been worse._

_On that note, he left the room and I broke down in tears, crying for hours until there were no more tears in me._

***

I sighed as I closed my copy of Romeo and Juliet and lay back down on my new bed in my new house. I had tried to read a bit, get my mind of the school day that was awaiting me first thing in the morning, or the fact that I had cut myself just a couple hours ago, but my mind had involuntarily gone back to the very memories I tried so hard to forget.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling with a blank expression on my face - I hadn't left my room since I arrived here. Charlie had asked me if I wanted dinner, but I had told him I was too tired. That was a lie, of course. Sure, I was tired, but I would hardly sleep anyway, so that really didn't matter.

Remembering what Phill a.k.a fuck-face did to me that one time when I was 13 still made me want to gag; it had been one of the worst days of my life. One of, not the worst, though.

I redirected my thoughts to something less painfull and ended up back in the bathroom staring at the razor I held in my hands, wondering why I had picked it up. I suddenly felt the strong urge to use it again as I thought of my latest memory, but I refrained myself. I didn't know why I had done it in the first place, it was so wrong and sickening - why had I done it? Why did I want to do it again? I hated myself for being such a weak person, for being such a filthy whore. I hated the fact that I had promised myself to stay alive for Charlie - how did I know he wouldn't hurt me again? I needed to cut, I needed my razor, I craved for it and I hated myself for that.

My thoughts continued racing on and on like that, all the while I was trying to stay clear from the bathroom and my razor which I was already beginning to view as my new best friend. How I managed it, I had no idea, but I managed to resist the urge to cut again. At least I had a little determination when I needed to.

Eventually, I found myself thinking of the next day and what would be awaiting me then. I didn't want to go to school - I didn't want to be picked on again or pretend to be happy when I wasn't. I wanted to crawl into a hole and dissapear, anything would be better than facing a whole bunch of shallow teenagers once more.

I knew from Charlie that the school was a LOT smaller than mine in Phoenix; it had about 240 or so students, which only made me dread it more. This was a small town with a small school where everyone knew everybody. In Phoenix, I would be able to dissapear from view of at least half the student population - here, I wouldn't stand a chance to do that. I would be a shiny new toy for them to play with - a novelty in a town where nothing ever happened. It would be my own personal hell.

***

_'Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?  
Or does anybody even know _

_she's going down today  
Under the shadow of our steeple  
With all the lost and lonely people  
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me  
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?'_

_Does Anybody Hear Her by Counting Crows (a very beautiful song which I highly recommend you listen to)_

**TO BE CONTINUED**

_**A/N: So, I hope you liked it and I know, no Cullens yet, but I promise they're making their first appearance next chapter!**_

_**Also, I am hoping to get 75 reviews, that's not much, only 10 reviews. Here's the deal:**_

_**5 reviews: short chapter**_

_**10 reviews: normal chapter**_

_**15 reviews: long chapter (come on, you can do it, I believe in all of you)**_

***

_Oh, I also wanted to recommend my new story which is called Let The Games Begin._

_Summary: __The Cullens and Hales decide to play a little game called truth or dare. How does the seemingly boring Isabella Swan get involved in this? Plenty of humor! Rated M for language and future chaps. _

_Preview: _

**We heard several things break and fall to the ground with a big bang; it was clear he was enjoying himself when we heard his booming laughter. Alice ran upstairs to check if he was doing a good job. Several minutes later, they came back down, both of them laughing their asses off. Alice was even shedding a few tears.**

**"They... are... going... to.. be... so... pissed...," Alice managed to choke out between her laughter while Emmett was on folding over with laughter, holding his sides. The laughter was so infectious the rest of us joined Alice and Emmett.**

So please, check it out it if you want, thanks.


	6. Chapter 5: GreenEyed Angel

**_A/N: So, I want to thank you all for reading and reviewing. I ask you for 10 reviews, you give me 21, WAW! So, thanks! So, this is the longest chapter yet and keep reviewing and they'll keep getting longer :) So, Bella has encounter with a few Cullens today. I hope you enjoy._**

**Chapter 5: Green-Eyed Angel**

I woke up at 5:30, screaming at the top of my longues - the nightmare was the same, only worse, because this time Renée was _helping _Phill instead of just watching - and Charlie came rushing in, his gun in his hands, looking around my room, frantic. I'd forgotten to tell him about the nightmares, so he probably thought I was under attack or something.

"Bella? What happened?! Are you okay?!" He asked, he wasn't one to show his emotions, nor was I, but it clearly showed how much he cared for me and my safety in that moment and I knew right then and there that he was different than Phill, he wouldn't hurt me.

"I-I'm fine, Ch- dad, really, just a bad dream. I've been having them since mom died," I said, telling the truth, but also implying that I was getting them because I missed her or something - he'd be so angry if he knew what they were about.

"O-oh, I see. I'll, er, just leave you to it then. I'll be leaving in an hour, so I'll be gone by the time you get up. I'll be home around 6, okay?" He asked, I nodded. He turned to leave, but stopped at the door.

"Call me if you need anything. And, Bella, I'm glad you're here," He said, I felt tears coming as I thought of how much my being here seemed to mean to him and how close I was to abandoning him by hurting myself, even though I promised myself not to, for him.

"Me too," I replied, though I had no happyness in me what-so-ever. But now I really understood the impact it would have on him if I were to do something, so I made up my mind to not even think about it anymore. No suicide thoughts, ever again! I just hoped that I would be able to do the same for the thoughts about the cutting, because the craving was back, worse than ever.

He nodded and left my room, presumably thinking I would go back to sleep for another hour or so, but I wouldn't. I sighed, got up and headed to the bathroom to take a quick shower.

Once under the water, I felt my muscles relax once more as they always did when I showered, meanwhile, I tried my best to stop myself from grabbing the razor and just cutting some part, any part, of my skin. The cuts I already had looked a little nasty, as if they were starting to get infected, I would have to take care of them. Besides those cuts, almost my entire body was still covered in bruises. Some were fading into nothingness, but others were still very visible - it would take weeks, if not longer, for all of them to fade. Yet, somehow, I hardly cared.

That was my attitude now, not caring, about anything, not feeling. Because, when I did care, or did feel, everything was so much worse and I would wish for death to come. Not by my own hand, no, I wouldn't wish for that anymore, but by someone else's hands, or by an accident, if I were lucky. It was futile to wish for that, life hated me too much to grant me some sort of freedom. I may be free of Phill for the rest of my life, but I would never, ever, be free of my own mind. That was impossible.

I stayed in the shower for over an hour, I was going to get out sooner, but I felt the need to use the razor again, so I stayed where I was, until I was sure I had it under control. It was the only thing I could control now, and I would do everything I had to keep that control mine, and not the razor's.

Charlie had left by the time I got downstairs to eat breakfast - which wasn't much, just a granola bar - and I was glad to be alone, it was easier because I didn't have to act then. It was so tiresome to keep up a happy front before everyone, and honestly, I don't think I was fooling Charlie. Though, now I had an excuse as to why I was feeling next to nothing - Renée's death would be enough reason to do that to me, if it weren't for the fact I had been feeling the same since I was little. Though, it did get worse because of her death, so it wasn't a complete lie when I used her death as an excuse.

***

I arrived at the school in my old, red, Chevy truck - it was so loud I attracted a lot of unwanted attention to myself - and parked next to a shiny, silver Volvo which looked oddly out of place between all the other old, beat-up cars. Or maybe it was the car of some visitor or something, some hot-shot from the city, it'd make sense as I didn't see any of the students likely to drive such a car.

I got out, stumbling a little, almost falling - I was such a cluts - and walked over to the administrations office, keeping my eyes to the ground all the time. I didn't want to make friends here, I didn't want to be noticed - I hoped if I avoided people enough, they would catch on and leave me alone, because I had the feeling they would be herassing me all day. It would be only natural, since I was the new girl in town, of course they'd be curious.

I got my schedule and a map of the school from this woman called Mrs. Cope - I didn't like her much, she seemed too nosy to be likable - and was told to have all my teachers sign a slip of paper she gave me and bring and back to her by the end of the day. I was kind of annoyed with that; I had been hoping to go home as soon as the last bell rang and now that chance was out of the window.

I thought it was weird, the way my emotions seemed to be on a roller coaster ride ever since I arrived here- one minute I was completely numb, the other I was angry or scared or disgusted or anything really. The only emotion I didn't really seem to feel anymore was sadness, that one was lost to me. The only emotion that allowed me to cry was lost to me ever since the day Renée died. I wished I could go back to that state of feeling nothing at all I was in when I arrived at the airport the other day, but no, that nothingness was gone.

For example, a minute ago I was annoyed with that Cope woman, now I was scared to death of the day I had to face. I was afraid of the men in this school - would I have to sit with one of them? God, I hope not. I was afraid someone would hurt me or want to become friends with me. I was afraid they would never leave me alone in such a small town, but I hoped they would.

I headed off to my first class of the day - Spanish _**(A/N; I know nothing about the american school system, so go allong with whatver I write, okay? Thanks) **_- my eyes glued to the ground, desperately trying to block out the whispers I was hearing about the new girl, to no avail, I heard most of it.

"I heard she killed her mother and stepfather when she was little and was released from the crazy bin a few weeks ago," a girl's voice spoke - I rolled my eyes, so this is what it would be like? Goody! This just couldn't get better, could it?

"I heard she was send here because she had a drug addiction and slept around for money," a male voice spoke, making me want to throw up where I was walking. Oh yeah, I sure did sleep around a lot! Ugh!

"Leave her alone, her mom and stepdad died in a car accident, she must be really sad right now," a soft, sweet, female voice spoke up for me, shutting the other two up. Not that it was of much use, I heard the same gossip all the way to my class. I didn't really care what they thought, I hoped they thought I was a freak so they'd leave me be, but it was somewhat annoying.

During Spanish - which was given by a male teacher who looked to much like Phillf or my likings - I was seated next to a girl named Angela Weber. She was friendly, and I recognized her voice as the one of the girl that defended me in the hallway earlier. She seemed to sense I wasn't much into talking, because after introducing herself, she mostly left me alone, I was grateful for that. In any other reality, she and I would have probably been good friends, but not here, not now.

Spanish was followed by Calculus, which would one day be the death of me - I didn't pay any atttention, of course. Who cared if I failed all my classes? I didn't. Maybe I'd flunk out this year and wouldn't have to endure my senior year next year, I would appreciate that. I sat alone during Calculus, thank god. No one spoke to me, but many spoke of me as if I weren't in the room and kept sneaking glances at me. I payed them to attention.

After Calculus, I walked straight to my English class - the one class I would pass even if I didn't pay attention, because I read so much more than most people - and was glad to see I had a female teacher for that one. She seemed nice enough; she had long, caramel colored hair, was about 5'6", with a heart-shaped face. She was small, slender, but with the apropriate roundings. She had these beautiful deep, green, emerald eyes like I had never seen before. I walked up to her desk.

"Oh, hello, you must me Isabella Swan," she said as she saw me approach her, I cringed at the name Isabella. I had heard it too many times before - it made it harder to keep the bad memories out.

"Bella," I corrected, she nodded.

"Well, Bella, I'm Mrs. Cullen. I'll be your english teacher for the year, obviously, and am here to help you with anything." I nodded upon hearing this, she was nice.

"Also, all the teaching staff has been informed of what happened back in Phoenix, and if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here," she informed me, I nodded and thanked here. By this time the other students had begun to arrive and I asked where I was to be seated.

"You can take the empty seat next to Mike," she said, pointing at a baby-faced, pale blond, blue eyed boy. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I stared at the boy, who stared back with a lustfull look in his eyes, though he tried to hide it. Maybe other girls wouldn't notice that look, but I did, I had seen it too many times before.

_I was 15 and alone in the house with Phill - Renée had gone to a busines dinner tonight. He stalked towards me and I could see the lust in his eyes, his need for something I never wanted to give him, but something he always took no mather how hard I fought. I hated that look, it made me sick to my stomach..._

I felt a cool, yet warm hand on my hand, which pulled me out of my horrible memory. I quickly yanked my hand away, as if I were afraid to get a disease or something. That wasn't it though, I just hated when people touched me. I turned around to find a very distressed looking Mrs. Cullen staring at me, clearly concerned.

"Are you alright, Bella?" She asked, which made me notice for the first time how badly I was shaking. Was I alright? No! Not by a long shot! I couldn't sit next to that boy, I simply couldn't.

"I, er, don't feel very well. May I have a bathroom pass, please?" I asked in a slightly shaky voice. I needed to get out of here, I needed room to breath, room I wasn't getting here since my breathing was getting more irratic every second.

"S-sure. Here you go," she said, a little confused by this whole scene, and handed me a piece of paper which allowed me to roam the halls without anyone punishing me for not being in class. I thanked her and practically ran out of there, unaware of the entire class staring after me as if I were crazy, which maybe I was.

I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom, thought it took me a few minutes to find it. I tripped a few times along the way, but never fell, which was an accomplishment for someone like me - someone who can't even walk to feet without tripping over thin air.

I got into one of the bathroom stools, closed and locked it and just sat there, thinking. Mostly, I was thinking about how much I wished I had my razor with me now, how much I needed it. I didn't know how long I would be able to stay away from it, not if things continued to proceed like this. Those flashbacks I kept getting were slowly killing me, though I didn't know how that was possible since I was practically dead already.

I stayed in there until the bell rang; I felt no need to go back to english to sit next to Mike, no way! So, when the bell finally rang, I reluctantly left the bathroom to head to my french class - which, by the way, I hated - I hated languages. When would I ever need to use french in my entire life? Never! That's when.

The class was okay, I guess. A lot of people stared and whispered - I even heard some whispers about what happened during English - but I was in a seat by myself and the teacher pretty much left me alone, she didn't even want me to introduce myself, thank god. Another thing, why do people say 'thank god' when they don't even believe in god? I've never believed in him, and even I say it sometimes. I just found that to be weird.

And so I spend most of the class thinking about that saying - why? I had no idea, at least it was better to think about something trivial like that than something else.

Lunch came next, but I wasn't hungry and had no desire to go into a crowded lunchroom, only to be whispered about and stared at. Instead, I headed out to my truck and spend the lunch period there. I was tired, due to the lack of sleep and nightmares when I did sleep. I was thinking about my life so far, about everything, though trying to avoid thinking about the worst things, when I fell asleep.

_"Hold her down, pumpkin," Phill ordered Renée and she obayed and held me down to the bed as Phill begun to strip me of my clothes, ignoring my pleas and struggles. Renée stripped out of her clothes then too and took Phill's place, holding my now naked frame in place. She was much stronger than I imagined._

_Meanwhile, Phill stripped out of his clothes and took Renée's place once again. He began licking me down under as Renée began to stroke my breasts - silent tears were running down my face. _

_Renée then forced her tongue inside my mouth as she continued to play with my breasts and Phill continued to do whatever he was doing down there. I wanted to gag as I tasted Renée in my mouth - at least Phill was only my stepdad, it was worse with Renée because she was my actual mother. It sickened me more than anything ever had._

_Phill and Renée switched places after a while - he started out with forcing kissing on me, but soon decided to move to the bigger leages. He forced his manlyhood - which I desperately wanted to cut off - down my throat, actually making me gag, and moved my head up and down. He came in my mouth and forced me to swallow, I whimpered and he and Renée laughed at me. _

_After that, Renée stopped what she was doing, put her clothes back on and kissed me goodnight._

_"Have fun, honey," She said, to me or Phill, I wasn't sure, but it was disgusting either way. Phill smirked, then, very sudden and unexpected, entered me with more force than ever. It hurt so badly I screamed out, loudly!_

Someone was shaking me as I was screaming, still stuck in my nightmare. My eyes popped wide open and the screaming abruptly stopped. I found myself staring into a pair of green, emerald, eyes I had seen once before today. Mrs. Cullen from English had the same unusual color of eyes, but this was not her. This was not even a woman. Before me, still holding onto my shoulders without any force, stood a green-eyed, bronze-haired, teenage angel.

I moved away from his touch, unafraid, but shocked. I was shocked because I wasn't afraid that a man, well, boy technically, was touching me and shocked because of what I felt when he had touched me. It was like there was their weird surge of electrical energy coursing through my vains. It was unlike anything I've ever felt before.

"A-are you okay?" He asked me, a little fear and uncertainty in his voice. I said nothing, I did nothing, I just continued to stare at him, shocked.

"Bella?" He asked, wary. This shocked me out of my shock - how did he know my name? Okay, the entire town probably knew my name, but no one knew to call me Bella.

"H-how do y-you know my n-n-name?" I stammered, unsuccesful at maintaining a steady voice.

"My mom told me - you met her during English, Mrs. Cullen," He replied. Oh, that made sense.

"Are you okay?" He asked again. "You were screaming," he continued.

"I-I fel asleep, bad dream," I responded too quickly - worst dream ever would be a better wording for my nightmare which came straight from the pits of the hell I hoped fuck-face was in now.

"Oh, well, I'm Edward," He introduced himself, holding out his hand a little - I was pretty close to him. It was weird how comfortable I felt with a male so close, but still, I didn't take his hand. I was afraid what would happen if I did. He left his hand lingering in the air for a few minutes, before dropping it and becoming uncomfortable.

"We should probably head to class - we have bio together. Mr. Banner send me looking for you when I heard the screams," He said, still uncomfortable. I nodded, got out of the truck and walked beside Edward to Bio. He said nothing more to me and I nothing more to him.

Once we reached the class, Edward knocked, opened the door, went inside with me on his trail. The teacher, who I assumed was Mr. Banner, looked up from behind his desk. He looked at me with a wary expression - did I look so terrible? - then looked over to Edward and nodded.

"Care to tell me why you're late, Ms. Swan?" He asked as I stood beside Edward, who didn't go to his desk yet. What was I supposed to say now? _'Oh, well, see, the thing is my stepdad raped me for 7 years in a row and now I keep having nightmares about it. And I just fell asleep during lunch and Edward here woke me up 'cause I was screaming at the top of my longues.' _Yeah, he'd really believe that, so, instead, I said nothing.

"She had fallen down and cleaned herself up before coming to class," Edward answered for me - why would he do that? I shot him a grateful glance, he smiled, and went to his desk. Mr. Banner signed my paper, told me to be on time next time, and pointed out my seat. Right next to none other than Edward Cullen. I didn't panick as I did with that kid from english who's name I'd forgotten, I only felt nervous.

I sat down and scooted my chair as far away from him as possible, not meeting his stare - he probably thought I was insane or something. If he didn't think so before, he definitely did now.

Mr. Banner seemed in no mood to teach today, so instead he played a movie - I didn't follow a thing of it. As the lights turned down and we were covered with darkness, I became even more aware of the god-like angel sitting next to me. Wait! What?! God-like?! Angel?! Where the hell were these thoughts coming from? I shied away from all male populations, even most female, so why didn't I feel the urge to shy away from him, then? It made no sense at all.

And that strange electrical surge was back, I felt it all through the movie. I was gripping the table so hard it hurt my knuckles, though I had no idea why. If this was just another one of my weird up and down emotional roller coaster, then I hoped it would go away soon. Or didn't I? It wasn't exactly an unpleasant feeling, I had to admit.

As soon as the bell rung, I was the first one out of the room. It felt good to be able to think clearly again without Edward Cullen sitting next to me, clouding my thoughts. I came up with a rational explination to what happened in there: I was simply grateful that he had pulled me out of that awful nightmare before it went any further, that was all.

My final two classes were spend thinking about Edward Cullen - I couldn't get him or the weird feeling out of my mind, though I had come up with a rational explination, it was uncanning. The hours past faster than I would have imagined and I bolted out of there as soon as the final bell rang - completely forgetting I was supposed to go to Mrs. Cope first.

I got into my truck and raced home - well, not racing exactly because the truck didn't go over 50, or I didn't want to risk killing it by going over 50, I actually did like it. The silver Volvo from school raced past me as I was driving - whoever was driving was acting like an idiot, he or she could get himself killed. I wondered if Phill drove so fast with the entintion of getting into an accident and killing both him and Renée or if it really was an accident.

Great, now my thoughts were back to Phill! It was going to be a long night!

***

_'You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here  
This double vision I was seeing is finally clear  
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone  
Not fit to funkin' tread the ground here I'm walking on'_

_Harder To Breathe by Maroon 5_

_***_

**_A/N: Thank you all for reading and I hope you review! I'm aiming for 100 reviews. You know the drill: _**

**_5 reviews: short chapter_**

**_10 reviews: normal chapter_**

**_15 reviews: long chapter_**

***

Oh, and I have a new story called **Concrete Angel** and if you like this story, then you'll probably like that one too, so check it out if you want, it's on my account.

Summary: 10 year olds Edward and Bella are best friends. But Bella lives in an abusive home and Edward knows, but is sworn to secrecy. When he moves, he never forgets about her. What will happen when their paths cross 7 years later?

Preview:

_"If you don't, I'll kill you," She finished in a whisper before stalking away, leaving me standing there in the middle off the hall, dumbfounded. I was vagely aware of a course of whispers breaking out, probably from people who had witnessed our little encounter, but I didn't care. All I could think of now was how my life was crumbling down as I watched the one person I had longed to see again for so long, walk away from me._


	7. Chapter 6: mixed feelings, pixies,

**_A/N: First, sorry for taking so long to update, I had a lot of trouble with my computer and laptop lately, but it's all fixed now. Second, thank you for all the reviews!!! I love them! Third, sadly, this chapter is not longer than the last, it is as long as the last, I wanted to make it longer, but then you would've had to wait another day or so and I did not want to do that to you. Again, sorry for long wait._**

**_Also, I was asked a question about my description of emotions by Isabella Marie Swan: You are also very good at portraying real to life emotions. It makes me curious to know if you have ever had these emotions yourself, or if you are just a wonderful writer. :)_**

**_Answer: No, I can't say I have been in a situation as this where I would feel these emotions. I am also not a wonderful writer, just a writer. I have been told by many people that I am very good at understanding emotions that or mine, or someone else's. SO, maybe that's why I can describe these emotions._**

**_Okay, to the story, enjoy!_**

**Chapter 6: Mixed Feelings, pixie's, bears and angels.**

I ate nothing, as usual, once I arrived home - Charlie didn't question my behavior, he probably blamed it on the recent loss of Renée and shit-hole! If only he knew the real reason behind my behavior, though, I imagined I would have to start eating again soon or Charlie'd probably think I was anorexic or something.

I went up to my room after I got home and hardly left it all night - I did go downstairs to greet Charlie when he got home and also took 3 more, very hot, showers. Still, not a million showers in the world could get rid of the dirt that had permanently lodged itself under my skin - untracable to the human eye, but very livid to me.

Besides the recurring thought of Phill, the urge to resist sleeping because I did not want to imagine my Renée as evil as fuck-face, and the guilt I felt for leaving Charlie alone all day - yes, my emotions were on a rollercoaster today, much worse than feeling numb - I was stuck on thoughts of Edward Cullen.

Edward had had such a strange effect on me, I did not understand it. Why hadn't I been scared when he was so close to me, on the parking lot? Why didn't I bolt out of the room when I was assigned a seat next to him? What was that weird feeling, that electrical surge that went through me when I was close to him? Why was it, that I felt like trusting him, when I didn't even know him? How was it possible he held so much power over me with only his eyes? Why was it, that I wanted to hold him close to me and never let him go? I didn't understand any of it.

I understood nothing at all, it felt as every single bit of sanity I had left was slipping away from me. Just a couple of days ago, I was feeling nothing, and welcoming it. Now, I was feeling one thing after another, the feelings didn't stop. And the one feeling I wished I could get back, was sadness. I wanted to feel sad because my mom had died - I wanted to feel sad because of what happened to me during all those years, but I couldn't.

Instead, I was confused about the Edward situation, content because I had continued to urge to cut again because I was so full of other thoughts - I was not a cutter and would not become one. So, I slipped up once, just once. I was stronger than that, I was strong enough to resist! I had never felt strong, but now, for some reason, I did. I felt disgusted by myself because of what Phill did, angry because my mother was taken from me and it was all shit-head's fault! And the guilt I felt towards Charlie was immense - days ago, I had to force myself to even care, now I couldn't stop caring - I felt like a bad daughter for being so distant from him and also for being scared of what he might think if he ever learner the truth about what a slut I was, not that he would!

I was nervous about tomorrow; on one hand, I wanted to see Edward again, but on the other, I was hoping I had just imagined him and I would never see him again, though that thought seemed to enrage me for some reason. I would just have to try and become as invisible as possible in school, then he would surely not notice me. I still didn't really care about gaining any friends - exept Edward for some reason - I wanted to be left alone.

But I feared no one would leave me alone - I was already the talk of the school today because I was knew, and because of my episode during English - I was determined, I would find a way! If it was really necessary, I would simply dress as some scary, loser, emo kid and they would be smart enough to leave me be. Yet, that was just a last resort, very drastic!

It was already 2am, Charlie was long sleeping and I was putting it off. I longed for sleep to stay away - why do people have to sleep anyways? It's only time consuming, stupid and pointless! I wished I could be some weird, mythical creature that never slept, that would be perfect to keep the nightmares away. Like, it wasn't enough I was haunted during my waking hours, but during my sleeping hours as well? Seriously, what force in this universe hated me so much that it wanted to cause me so much pain? I hadn't a clue.

It were moments like these, when I thought about these things - leading me to think about what happened during my childhood and as I grew up - I felt as if there was no sun, which was appropriate when it came to living in Forks. Even before they died, I still had my good days. Sure, I was damaged beyond repair, but there were always those few, rare days when it wasn't as cloudy as usual. Those days when a small portion of sun would seep through and I would feel a slight tingle of happyness. It never lasted long, but it were those moments I looked forward to. And now, those moments were gone, all there was left were dark clouds above my head. I had even tried to think of Edward - stupid, I know - to get some sunshine back into my thought, to no avail. Nothing worked.

Eventually, I fell into a restless slumber, filled with awful nightmares, which I was sure would haunt me 'till the day I died. I dreamed about Phill and Renée - this time, Phill raped me while Renée tortured me, using sharp objects to cut open my skin. However, the torture, the cuts, were comforting. It seemed as if I were dreaming about cutting now, subconsiously, and I did not want that. I did not want a reminder of my slip up.

I could have sworn, when I woke with a start and scream - as usual these days - I could feel my skin stinging at the places where Renée had cut me in my nightmare. It bothered me a great deal that I was dreaming of her in such a way, instead of re-thinking about the good moments I had with her. Maybe I blamed her for never taking notice of what Phill did to me? But why now? Why not before? Was it because she was dead now and I truly wasn't coming to terms with it? I did not know. I only knew I felt ashamed for viewing her as the bad guy in my dreams, when it was only one's fault, and that one was Phill. He was gone, dead, I did not feel guilty or ashamed for dreaming of him in such a way - he deserved it, he deserved to rot in hell. As did I, actually, for letting it happen. But Renée deserved none of it, that much I knew.

Charlie was already gone when I came donwstairs, after showering and getting dressed. There was a note for me on the kitchen table.

_**Bella,**_

_**I left early, there was an accident on the freeway. I hope you didn't oversleep, if you did, just tell your teachers it's my fault that you're late. **_

_**Also, I'll be home late tonight. You may not see me. I left some money for food and groceries in the cooky jar standing on the micro-wave. **_

_**Sorry for leaving you alone like this, kid. Take care,**_

_**Dad.**_

I smiled after reading the note - actually smiled a genuine smile - it felt good to know he cared about me in the right way, the fatherly way. I was beginning to get more and more confident that he would not hurt me in any way, not intentionally at least. I could definitely see why Renée married Charlie so soon, I only wished she hadn't left him. If she would have stayed, she would have been alive now and I would be just like any other normal teenager. Or... she would have still been dead now and I would have still been as screwed up. It would have been FATE, or something ridiculous as that.

Ugh, I really needed to stop thinking about what could've been and accept what was!

***

At school, I parked next to the same shiny, silver Volvo that raced past me yesterday at an incredulous pace - if I ever found out who the owner of that car was, I would give him or her a piece of my mind! It enraged me to know that someone was so careless with their own and other's lives.

I shook of the angry feelings - I didn't want to hurt anyone, or myself - got out of the car and headed to class. I didn't get far however, before I bumped into someone. And that someone was small, at least a head smaller than me, and that was saying something! She had spiky, black hair, grey eyes - well, a sort of grey, not really pure grey, I detected some green in them - and wore, what looked like, designer clothes. She looked like a little pixie.

"Sorry," I mumbled, walking away as fast as I could, not bothering with petty introduction. As I said, I didn't like close contact with people. It was better with girls than boys, but still, I prefered no contact at all. Even with Renée, I avoided close contact most of the times and rubbed it off as not wanting to hurt because of the bruises I always got from 'falling down'. Though most of my bruises were from something else. After reviewing everything so closely these past few days, I couldn't understand, for the life of me, how she never noticed something bad going on in her own house. With her own daughter and husband, nonetheless! Yeah, I guess I did blame her in a way. Again, there was only one person who I wouldn't shy away from if he were to touch me - okay, I would shy away, but for a different reason than I did with everyone else.

Just as I was about to enter my Spanish class, I was stopped by a girl with cornsilk colored hair and green eyes - what was it with everyone in this school and green eyes?! She looked friendly on the outside, but her eyes betrayed a hidden emotion - jealousy, hatred even - a look I would have never known if I hadn't seen it many times before.

_Phill looked down at me, a friendly smile on his face wich did not reach his eyes. I knew that look. I knew he was angry, jealous even, because Coach Trawley drove me home today because I had injured my leg during a game of soccer and could hardly walk. Phill hated it when I was around boys, or men. He even hated it when I was around girls, but not as much as he hated the sight of me talking to a boy. He would call me a cheating whore and tell me I would pay for making him hurt. _

"Hi, I'm Lauren," the friendly looking, deceiving girl, said as she extended her hand for me to shake. I stared at it, refusing to shake it, not just because I hated physical contact, but also because of the look she gave me.

"Fine, I guess I'll cut to the chase, then," she said, glaring at me menacingly. Now she was showing her true nature! I shrank away from her tone, not liking where this was heading. I did not speak, I waited for her to converse.

"I saw you with Edward in the parking lot, yesterday, you freak. I'm warning you now; stay away from him or suffer the consequences!" She explained, I was shocked. She thought I was after a relationship with Edward?! A physical one?! Sure, his presence did not scare me, but that didn't mean I was ready for something like that. I wasn't even close.

"I-I...," I faltered, not knowing what to respond to this. Here I was, wanting nothing more than to go unnoticed by everyone, and already I had an enemy, and it was only the second day for me in this school!

"What?! Lost your tongue?! Ugh! You're, like, such a loser, freak!" She exclaimed, before flipping her hair in my face and turning around with an attitude that screamed Queen Bitch! I sighed and stepped into the class, seeing a familiar pixie sitting at the same bench I sat on yesterday. The only empty bench. How was it that she wasn't here yesterday, but was today? She was probably sick, that was the logical explination.

Defeated, not only by the prospect of sitting next to someone for an entire hour, but also by my recent encounter with Laurie something - I didn't pay much attention to her name, nor cared - I made my way over to the desk and sat down next to the pixie, who seemed to be only seconds away from bouncing out of her seat.

"Oh, hey! I didn't get a chance to introduce myself before, I'm Alice Cullen. You're Bella, right?! Oh, we'll be such good friends!" She said - oh, so she was Edward's sister; it would explain the green specks in her eyes - and before I could even blink, she had me enveloped in a hug. My initial response was to shove her away, but damn that pixie was strong. My second response was to wait out the hug, and I found, once I had stopped struggling against her touch, I actually liked it. Well, liked was a big word, I felt comfortable, was the case.

After some time - I didn't know exactly how much time - she released me from her grip, grinning at me. Something about her grin told me she knew something she desperately wanted to share.

"What?" I asked, blushing slightly - thank god, my blushes were usually a much deeper shade of red - and feeling very self-consious under her stare.

"So you're the girl my goofy twin can't stop talking about?" She asked, more like stated - so Edward was her twin, interesting. Wait?! What?! He had been talking about me? What about? Had he told everyone I was some sick weirdo who was screaming in her dreams? I was beginning to hyperventilate, though it was ridiculous I would have such a reaction simply because a boy spoke about me - in what way, I had no idea.

Alice seemed to understand my reaction, because she gripped the top of my sholders, firmly, but not painfully - strangly, it brought back no bad memories, as it usually would have - and tried to calm me down. "Bella, relax. He didn't say anything bad! All he said was that he met you and that you were very interesting and unique, that's it! Chill!" She said, and at those words, I did 'chill' as she put it. Not only did I relax, but I felt a weird sort of twinge in my heart. Edward had said I was interesting? And unique? No one had ever called me those things before! I felt as if I was soaring at the thought of Edward thinking of me, and in a good way, nevertheless!

"Are you okay?" Alice asked, apparently worried for some weird reason I did not understand. Then again, I didn't understand a lot of things lately. Such as, why did none of the Cullens scare me? Not even Mrs. Cullen scared me, not one bit. Odd...

"Yeah, I'm fine. Don't know what happened, guess I didn't get enough sleep tonight. That sometimes happens...," I rambled on, she nodded, though, by the look in her eyes I could tell she did not believe a word I said. However, I was happy she did not push the topic any further. I had a feeling, if she wanted to, she could make me tell her anything. That would not be good. I would have to start avoiding her, start avoiding all the Cullens as much as possible.

The rest of the class went by in a blur; my mind kept going back to Edward. Though, I found, as I sat next to Alice or Edward, I never once thought of Phill. So maybe I had to keep them close - maybe they were the answer to blocking that cocksuck from my mind foregood?

As the bell rang, I got out up from my seat and gathered my stuff, though I was not out of the clear yet, Alice was still here. I looked up at her and she was staring me down with hope and anticipation. I gave her a questioning look, allowing her to ask her question.

"Would you like to have lunch with Edward, our friends and I?" She asked, sounding very sweet, corny almost, but there was nothing dishonest about her tone, all sounded good. Nothing in her tone frightened me, but the question itself did frighten me. Would it be a good idea? I vowed to never get close to anyone anymore, not even Charlie, and here I was, getting sucked in deeper and deeper. If I continued this path, I would have no escape from it, and I knew it.

But still, I found myself longing to see Edward again, soon. I found myself wishing he would talk to me. I found myself hoping he would stop me from ever feeling the urge to cut again. I found myself thinking a lot of things when it came to Edward. On the other hand, a part of me was screaming at me to run, run far and never look back. It was screaming at me to use my common sense and see I was headed for trouble. I was accident prone and attracted to trouble - a danger magnet, I called myself. Would this be dangerous? Would...?

"Bella?" Alice' chirpy, high pitched, though musical sounding, voice called me back to the present. Oh, right! I had yet to answer her question. Without thinking, I blurted out the answer.

"Yes, I would like that," I said, shocking myself and earning a squeel and another hug - short this time - from Alice; she seemed delighted I would sit at her lunch table today. She also sort of seemed to know what I was going to say when I said it, because she didn't at all seem one bit surprised by my answer, only exited. I, however, was surprised, very much so. I blurted out the answer, expecting it to be no, then shocking myself when I actually agreed to the last thing I wanted to do - make friends. I guess I would have to see it through now. Besides, my life couldn't possibly get much worse, right?

The rest of the classes before lunch were as uneventful as yesterday, well, all exept for English, which was anything but uneventful yesterday. But today, I decided to ditch English - I was good at it, I wouldn't fall behind from missing two days, I could easily catch up since I read a lot - I had no desire to spend an entire hour, sitting next to a boy who gave me a look I wanted nothing more to forget. He would remind me too much of the past. I would go see Mrs. Cullen someday soon, in private, and ask her to be seated alone, or next to a girl. That would be best. Or, maybe, if Alice was in that class too, I could sit next to her, I had no problem with that. I already knew Edward was not in that class, so I could not consider him as a desk partner. I would have to ask Alice before I went to Mrs. Cullen. Soon, not today, though. I wasn't ready yet.

As I entered the lunch room, the idea of bailing became more and more appealing as I dreaded my next move - about to try and make friends. I was getting attached, my feelings were growing more intense every minute. How someone could go from feeling next to nothing one morning, and feeling dozens of feelings at once the next morning, was beyond me. Yet, it was happening to me. I could easily imagine, if none of yesterday's events with Edward, or today's with Alice, had happened, I would have more than one fresh cut on my skin, next or above my healing ones. I was oddly gratefull for their presence, if not for the fact they seemed to keep me from cutting, then for the fact they made me feel and made me not think of the bad stuff that I had to endure during my so far, short-lived life.

So, I decided to go through with it, I would not bail. I would sit it out, and maybe even enjoy myself, however, that was going far. Feeling again - all exept for sad feelings - was already a big step for me. Feeling happyness, was a step I would not be able to take any time soon, not yet.

I felt a slight tap on my shoulder, and turned around, afraid who I would be facing - afraid of the flashbacks that would surely come when I saw whoever it was that touched me. Surprised, I found myself staring back at the pixie-like face of Alice Cullen, not experiencing any flashbacks. I smiled slightly at her, thankful it was her and not someone else.

"Come on, let's get some food," She sang/said, making me feel the urge to laugh - I did not laugh, off course, but the urge was there, deep down - it was something, at least.

We each got a tray of food - she complained about how little I was eating, while I was in disbelief as I looked at her tray, not seeing someone as small as her being able to eat so much.

I followed her to a table in one of the back corners of the cafeteria, a bit confused as to why they would sit so far from the other students. I felt a lot of eyes on me as I walked beside Alice - wether it was because I was the new girl, or because I was with Alice, or because of something someone might have said, I did not know. All I knew was, that I did not like the burning feeling of their eyes on my back, at all!

I gasped as we reached her table - out of fear, and slight awe - and almost dropped my tray. Right before my very sight, sat four people - one I knew as Edward, my green-eyed, bronze-haired, angel; I seriously needed to stop thinking of him like that!

In the center, sat a boy and a girl, the boy's arm around the girls neck; she was leaning into him. The boy - he looked more like a big bear man to me - had to be very tall by the looks of it, was extremely muscled, and seemed more than able to hurt anyone who crossed him. He had curly, black hair and light brown eyes. I did not like the sight of him - he seemed to strong, too big. He looked like he could take on anyone, even Phill, had he still been alive. He scared me! The girl he held onto, who I assumed was his girlfriend, had long, wavy, golden hair. She was so beautiful, she looked like she could be a model if she wanted to. She had baby blue eyes and seemed to radiate a very confident feeling. Looking at her, knowing what I looked like, made me even more disgusted with how ugly, plain and broken I looked.

Alice had sat down next to a boy with the same golden hair as the girl, only his was short. He also had the same baby blue eyes - were they brother and sister? He was muscular, but not as much as the weight-lifter looking guy, or even Edward. Though, he did scare me a little - it was the way he looked at me, not in an evil way, but as if he could sense how I was feeling.

Ha! Now I was catching on! I was dealing with a bear, a model, an empath (or something), a pixie, and an angel. Yep, someone sure loved to mess with my mind.

I realized all eyes were on me, waiting for me to speak, or sit down, or just do anything to show them I wasn't a mute or something like that. I just couldn't seem to find my voice, not while looking at the bear, the model or the empath guy - yeah, I like the nicknames, so what! And since my new pixie friend was sitting next to the empath, I could not look at her for reassurence either, so I turned toward the only one I knew was left: my angel.

As soon as I glanced at Edward, he met my gaze and smiled this crooked smile, which I was sure would be able to give me a heart attack if he showed it to me more than once. I found myself smiling back, not forcing myself to, and was a tiny bit content with myself. I was pleased to feel such a way.

"Hi," I breathed out, seemingly talking only to him, though I knew the entire table was staring at me, and possibly Edward as well, since he did not avert his gaze. One thing I knew for sure, something I had known already, but had not fully comprehended: this year would be different! Better, maybe. Maybe, just maybe, I would be able to heal. It would be a slow process, I wasn't so stupid to think otherwise, but at least now, I found hope that I would be able to heal. Maybe, one of these days, I would even feel real sadness again and let it all out, perhaps even cry again, something I believed everyone should be able to do, but for now, I could not do it. And maybe, just maybe, I would feel true happyness, someday, far away, in the future. Maybe...

***

_'Sometimes I feel so down and out  
Like emotion that's been captured in a maze  
I had my ups and downs  
Trials and tribulations,  
I overcome it day by day,  
Feeling good and almost powerful  
A new me, that's what I'm looking for'_

_Stronger by Sugababes_

***

**_A/N: Hope you liked it, and please, give me at least 14 reviews people, I wanna reach 120 before the next chapter. Thanks, adios, see you soon, promise (my laptop is all fixed, and so is my internet, so it's all good again). Later alligator! (haha, my mom always said that as a goodnight to me when I was little)_**

**_Oh, and just a stupid question: What Is Your Favorite Fanfiction??? (seriously, I'm curious, tell me, and I'll tell all of you my favorite when I post the next chappie)_**


	8. Author's Note

_**Author's Note:**_

_Hi, everyone. First of all, I want to apologize for the slow updates. I realize that you are waiting for new chapters and I am dissapointing you all. I just want to assure everyone that none of my stories are on hiatus (especially my beloved Twilight stories, but also the OTH ones and the Charmed one), I just have trouble writing for some. I also want to explain why I haven't been writing much lately._

_I just want to say that I love to write; it's my number one passsion, has been since I was a child. And lately I had been wondering; why? Why do I even write? Why do I do something that's not worth anything to anyone? But I realized I was acting stupid (which is nothing out of the ordinary for me) since it is worth something to someone; it's worth something to the people who follow and read every chapter with dedication for the story I write, which is simply heartwarming. I love all my readers and without you, I wouldn't have gotten anywhere near this far with my writing. So, thank you. You'll never know how much all your support means to me._

_And I do it because I love it, it's as simple as that. I guess I had forgotten that somewhere along the way. I just needed a few reminders. I'll never stop writing and I will finish each story currently on my account._

_My main focus stories right now are:_

_Captivity  
__They'll Never Know  
__Concrete Angel_

_It's not because of the reviews they receive or something; it's just because I have them all worked out in my mind. So those will be updated the most, the rest will have slower updates but I will update them. I promise you. And I don't lie; if I make a promise, I stick to it. No matter how hard it may be sometimes._

_So, until I post again (which will be a story chapter). I hope you forgive me for my slow updates and I will work as hard as possible to update more from now on._


	9. Chapter 7: Harder 2 Breathe

_**A/N: I'm very sorry for not updating for so long, I just had to deal with some hard stuff and couldn't deal with writing at the time. I missed it dearly and am glad I can do it again. I will not have you wait so long again. That said, I hope you enjoy this. The walls are crashing down around Bella, who'll be able to save her?**_

**Chapter 7: Harder 2 Breathe**

Once I was finally able to tear my gaze away from Edward and the awkwardness of the entire situation, I sat down and was introduced to everyone by Alice.

I learned that the bear's name is Emmett McCarthy and once he introduced himself with a big goofy grin on his face, he looked a lot less scary. The model's name is Rosalie Hale, Rose for short, and she is dating Emmett. She looked rather bored when she said a quick hello to me, then dismissed my presence. I was used to such behaviour, though. I was used to being ignored.

The empath's name is Jasper Hale, Rosalie's brother and Alice' boyfriend. He nodded at me before getting lost in Alice' presence; it was clear, even to me, that they were made for each other. I didn't know them, yet, I couldn't imagine either one without the other. It's like they each were half of a puzzle and would never be whole without the other half.

Besides their names, I learned their ages. Alice and Edward are 17 and juniors, just as I am, while Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett are all 18 and seniors. If I had had to guess, I'd have guessed Emmett and Rosalie to be 20 something, not 18. They looked older, however, not _old _old.

I had no idea why, but everyone kind of left the Bella questions alone during lunch and let me participate in normal conversation about shopping, cars, movies and such - all of which I knew nothing of. Still, it was relaxing, different, but enjoyable.

Edward's presence, however, made me slightly nervous and sick in my stomach. I had no idea why I wasn't running away screaming from him while he sat so close I could feel his breath on my face when he turned to look at me. I was comforted by him, though I knew I shouldn't be. I felt too comfortable around these people, sitting at their table, it was uncanning. People were NOT to be trusted; I learned that a long time ago. Yet, here I was, ignoring all I'd learned by sitting here.

"Hey, Bella, are you alright?" The most magical, velvet voice, asked me, sounding concerned for some reason. I gave him a confused look in return - why wouldn't I be alright, besides the obvious they didn't know about?

"You're deadly pale and sweating; it looks like you have a fever," Edward replied by which I raised my eyebrows - how could he know that I had a fever? Anyway, I felt perfectly fine - a little cold, yes, but fine nonetheless.

"My dad's a doctor and I'm telling you, you don't look well," Edward answered my unspoken question, still looking at me with that slightly uncomfortable making concern. By now, I realized all eyes of the table were on me, eying me with the same concern on their features.

"I assure you, I'm perfectly fine." The bell rang just as I finished speaking and I sighed in relief. Finally, I would be freed of their stares, because it was getting a little creepy. I didn't even know why they would show any concern for me, they didn't even know me. And if they would know me, they'd do the smart thing and run away screaming, calling me upon the evils I had commited in my life. The sins I had written on my face.

I stood up, wobbled a little from an unknown dizzyness - probably from not eating much during the last couple of days - and headed for my Biology class. I discovered that it was harder to reach the class than it should be; my breath was coming in short gasps and it felt like my chest was contracting. Halfway there, I leaned against the wall and sank down to my knees, trying to control my raggid breathing - it didn't work.

I couldn't think clearly. Scratch that! I couldn't think at all. My mind was one jumbled mess; image after image seeping through, none of them good ones. I let myself fall down to my side and curled up in a ball, not even noticing every passing student stopping to watch me as I lay on the cold, hardened ground, struggling to catch my breath.

"Bella? Bella?!" I heard a concerned, velvet voice, call out. I knew that voice! I knew that angel - it was my angel! It was Edward! I wanted to respond, tell him I was okay, give him my standard answer, but I couldn't. Everything was falling apart; all the walls I had fought so long to protect were tumbling down, falling all around me. Was this why I couldn't breath? Or was it something else?

Someone strong scooped me up in their arms, and from the tingling I could feel through every fiber of my being, I knew it was Edward. Anyone else, and I would have been screaming already, I knew that.

"I'm taking you to the hospital, to my father. Don't worry, everything's gonna be okay," Edward whispered in my ear as he walked away with me in his arms. But I wanted to yell for him to stop; I couldn't possibly go to the hospital! They would see the bruises on my body, the cuts, they would be disgusted by me! Wait! The cuts! Were they infected?! Was this what was happening to me: an infection? No! No! NO! It couldn't be! Because of one mistake, they'd find out how dirty I was - I couldn't let that happen! How could I have been so stupid to cut myself?! It was all his fault! It was all Phill's fault! And my mother's, for never noticing! I hated both of them! I couldn't help it, I hated my mother for not knowing and I hated myself for hating her.

I was ugly, used, dirty, filthy, disgusting - whatever word you could come up with, I was it! They would know now; they would see. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't find my voice. I was sinking, drowning in the blackness surrounding me, loosing consiousness. Then, suddenly, I was gone...

***

_'Heaven Bend to take my hand  
And lead me through the fire  
Let it be the long awaited answer  
To a long and painful fight  
Truth be told I tried my best'_

_Fallen by Sarah Mclachlan_


	10. Chapter 8: Truths and Answers

**_A/N: So, here it is, the big moment! Well, one of them anyways. Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter and I hope you approve of this one. Thanks._**

**Chapter 8: Truths and Answers**

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

_I was 15; Phill was pinning me to the bed, sitting on my back. I was naked and afraid, very much so. I didn't know what he planned to do, why he forced me to lay on my stomach. What did he want this time? Was there even anything left to take?_

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

_"If you scream, you and mommy dearest will be begging for death. Got it, bitch?!" He sneered as he pulled my head up by my hair; I had to stay strong and remain as silent as possible. _

_It was weird that he warned me not to scream; he hadn't done that in years. He knew I would never scream - Renée could never know._

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Where the hell was that annoying sound coming from?

_He pushed my legs up so I was leaning on my knees and spread them. Was he doing what I think he was doing? God, I hoped not! Then, I felt the tip of his penis at my ass and I knew he was going to do exactly what I thought he was going to do. _

_I believe the kids nowadays referred to it as 'doggy' style. I felt so sick I thought I'd throw up. He had done so much to me already that I shouldn't be surprised by this, but I was. I don't know why I was, I just was, no reason to it._

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Couldn't anyone turn that the fuck off?!?!

_I almost screamed when he pushed inside me - it felt like he was tearing me apart, even more so than usual - but managed to hold it in and moan silently. He took the moan as a sign I was liking it, which I definitely was not!_

_"Like that, hu? I knew you would. Shoul've done this a long time ago. You're all mine now cockslut," He whispered in my ear, enjoying every word and action, knowing how much I hated him._

BEEP! "Isabella, wake up." BEEP! "It's okay, you're safe. It's only a nightmare." BEEP! "Open your eyes, Isabella. I promise, you're safe here. No one can hurt you here." BEEP!

Where was I? Who was talking to me? What was that beeping sound? I was afraid to open my eyes; afraid to come face to face with my nightmare. It was irrational, I know, Phill was dead - he was never coming back. Still, I was terrified.

"Open your eyes, Isabella," the voice commanded yet again, though it sounded more like friendly concern than a command. I swallowed several times, then opened my eyes.

I blinked several times, then looked around the room. Was I in a hospital? It was likely, since it smelled that way and I was laying in one of those typical uncomfortable hospital beds. How did I get here? Then it all came flooding back.

Edward. Alice. Lunch with their friends. Cold. Dizzyness. Sick. Edward picking me up. Then, everything went black. Oh no! I was in a fucking hospital!!! I was SO screwed! Everyone would hate me now. I HAD to get out of here!

At the foot of my bed, there stood a man - a doctor.

My immediate reaction would have been to panic, but I did not do so. Why? Because he reminded me of Edward. It weren't his eyes, they weren't green, but blue. It was the hair that reminded me of Edward. It wasn't the same color, but it was the same disaray of hair like Edward, as if he never combed it. The tag on his coat confirmed it - it said Dr. Cullen.

"Welcome back, Isabella." He smiled, a genuine Edward smile, though it was a sad and sympathetic one - he knew something.

"I need to get out of here," I croaked, my throat dry and slightly painful.

"I'm sorry, but I can't allow that. Do you remember what happened?" He asked, still holding that sad, pittying look in his eyes - I hated when people looked at me like that, but from him, it didn't bother me as much.

"I fainted," I replied glumly, already not liking where this conversation was headed.

"Yes, you fainted at school and my son, Edward, brought you in. You went into cardiac arrest but we were able to save you. You had a severe blood infection caused by cuts on your leg. You're very lucky we caught it in time or it could have spread to your brain," He explained, though once he said the word cuts, I couldn't follow another word. He knew about them, so he had to know about the bruises as well. Did he know more? God, I hoped not. Charlie would hate me. He'd probably kick me out and never want to see me again. I couldn't handle that.

"Isabella," He started but I cut him of, "Bella," I clarified, he nodded.

"There are some things we need to discuss and they aren't going to be pleasant. But I am required to ask you these questions. Do you understand?" He asked, I nodded, knowing nothing I said would stop these questions from coming. I didn't agree to answer them, however. I would only answer the ones that wouldn't be too harmful to my case.

"How long have you been a cutter?" He asked, his tone grieving, as though he were sad for me. I was most likely interpreting his tone the wrong way. It was probably disgust instead of sadness and worry.

"I'm not a cutter." My reply was short, but firm. I was NOT a cutter! I had a slip up that caused me to have and infection and almost die, but I was not a cutter.

"Your leg states otherwise." I nodded, I understood what my leg would mean to anyone besides me - that I was a freaky, emo cutter, but that was not the case. As I said, just a slip up.

"That was a mistake. I wanted to try it; it was only one time. I never did it again and don't plan on doing it again. Are the questions over now?" I asked, holding my breath, hoping he'd leave me be, knowing he wouldn't since nothing good ever happened to me.

"I'm sorry Bella, but I need to ask just a few more. But I need to tell you something first," He voiced, and if it was possible, his expression turned even more sad and even a little angry. The anger was small, but it was there; for me, it was the most recognized expression.

"We noticed severe bruising on your body; some were in the shape of hands. There was also proof of many healed injuries on the scans; broken bones. Too many for us to believe they were accidental. With Charlie's concent, we performed a rape kit...," He trailed off, looking at my horrified expression.

They knew! They actually knew! I mean, I had expected them to see the bruises and maybe even finding evidence of the former injuries, but I hadn't expected they would perform a rape kit. Now they knew! They knew my shame, how dirty and used I was. They knew I was a slut, a useless slut.

"N-no," I mumbled, shaking my head. And then it happened; the tears came. I hadn't cried since Renée's death and now I was crying, just because they knew. I was actually crying. Part of me was relieved I was crying, but most part of me was ashamed that they knew now. I never wanted anyone to know.

"Bella, please calm down. You're still very weak. You don't need to talk about it right now, but there is more you need to know. I will not tell you if you can't handle it right now," He said grimly.

"T-tell m-m-me," I sobbed, I needed to know. I looked at him through my tears and begged him with my eyes to tell me. Finally, he nodded.

"This will be hard for you to hear." I nodded. It couldn't be any worse than everyone knowing, right?

"We tested for STD's and discovered you have Chlamidya; it's not serious, we've put you on the right drugs for it and you will suffer no long term effects of it. The examination also showed you have severe vaginal and anal tearing. We had to stitch you up; the stitches will be able to come out in a few weeks, but you will be soar from it. Bella, I'm sorry to tell you this, but due to the extent of injury, it is very likely you will never be able to have children."

I cried harder, for what, I didn't know. I didn't cry because of my injuries; I had suspected as much years ago. I didn't cry for the loss of possible future children; I would never be intimate with anyone ever again, so children wouldn't happen anyway. I just... cried.

I think it was the hardest I've ever cried, I just couldn't stop. Eventually, I think I cried myself to sleep, after countless hours of tears. It was a dreamless sleep; maybe Dr. Cullen had given me sleep medication. I'd have to thank him if he did. It was the first time since Renée's death that I slept without bad memories or nightmares haunting me.

***

I woke up to bright lights; it was morning. I remembered yesterday's events and almost began to cry again, but held it in. I couldn't deny it now; they had proof. But maybe I could tell them it was voluntarily? That it was just rougher than anticipated? The thought of saying that i wanted it, set me off again. I began to cry again, even harder than last time.

"Bella?" I heard someone say - Charlie? I looked to my left, and he was there, worry and fear written all over his face. I had yet to detect disgust, but it would come, I was sure.

"Bella? Are you okay? Does something hurt?" He asked, appearing to be frantic.

"I'm s-s-so s-sorry," I cried, over and over again - he needed to know how sorry I was, maybe then he would someday be able to forgive me, though I doubted it. I just needed him to know.

"Bella, _you _have nothing to apologize for! You did NOTHING wrong. It wasn't your fault!" He axlaimed, trying to comfort me as he came closer to me and closer - he was coming to close. I was starting to panic, my breathing was irratic and I was trying to move away from my father. He seemed to understand and took a few steps back, pushing on a button on the wall next to the bed.

I was finally calming down when the door opened and Dr. Cullen walked in. He smiled, though it didn't reach his eyes - the sadness remained in his eyes.

"She was terrified. I-I didn't know what to do doc. She thinks it's her fault," Charlie said, apparantly forgetting I was in the room. Dr. Cullen didn't reply, through my tears I saw him shake his head, he awknowledges my presence.

"How are you feeling, Bella?" He asked, I shrugged.

"Did Renée know about this?" Charlie interrupted before Dr. Cullen could say any more. I shook my head franticly; of course she didn't know! Only in my dreams, did she know.

"Did Phill?!" Charlie continued; my heart rate sped up as soon as I heard his name coming from Charlie's name. Dr. Cullen and Charlie knew too, they heard it thanks to that stupid monitor which I desperately wanted to throw out the window.

"Bella, why did your heart rate speed up just now?" Dr. Cullen asked, probably already catching on - I turned my head, I wouldn't say another word, ever again if that was necessary.

"Phill." It was only a name that came from Dr. Cullen's lips, but it was enough to do the trick - my heart rate sped up, once again.

"What the hell does this mean?" Charlie cursed - he never cursed, ever!

"I appears that this man, whoever he is, is the man who did this to Bella." Charlie cursed a flow of profanities that I would never have expected to come from his mouth and then stared at me in shock and yes, there it was, disgust. He was disgusted with me.

"I'm, I'm s-sorry. He made me! I-I-I didn't w-want to. I-I d-din't know. I was j-just... P-please f-forgive me d-daddy. P-please," I sobbed, calling Charlie something I hadn't said since I was five; daddy. I was crushed that he would hate me now; I loved him, more than I thought I was capable of.

"You listen to me now, Isabella Marie Swan, this is not your fault. That, that ANIMAL is lucky he's already dead, or I'd kill him myself," Charlie seethed.

"Don't," I replied with the only thing that could come to mind. Charlie and Dr. Cullen gave me questioning looks.

"Don't ever call me I-Isab-bella. My name is Bella. Just Bella." My voice was surprisingly steady, giving the state I was in.

"How long?" Charlie asked through clenched teeth, his face a deep shade of red, almost purple even. The vein on his forehead was throbbing; he was very angry, I could tell. I didn't want to tell them, but I knew I had to, they would just ask me again and again. But I would never tell more; I would never tell anyone the extent of what he did to me. It was too horrific.

"S-since I w-was 10," I cried, by which they both gasped and looked at me with pure shock and hatred, even the doctor who didn't even know me. I turned my head, curled up in a ball and resumed my crying, berating myself for being so stupid to allow them to find out about this. I truly had nothing left to live for, now.

***

_'I heard there was a secret chord  
that david played and it pleased the lord  
But you don't really care for music,  
do ya?_

Well it goes like this the forth the fifth  
the minor fall and the major lift  
The baffled king composing Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah'

_Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley_


	11. Chapter 9: FatherDaughter Talk

**Chapte****r 9: Father-Daughter Talk**

After Charlie left - disgust still the most clear feature on his face - I cried myself to sleep, again. I didn't sleep much though, because when I closed my eyes all I saw were the faces of dozens of people telling me what a repulsive slut I was and how I would never ever be clean again.

I woke, screaming, followed by an unstopable fit of cries; I only calmed down when the nurses came in and gave me a sedative. All through the night, I drifted in and out of nightmares, never able to close my eyes in peace. I truly felt like dying right about now.

Morning finally came, allowing some light in my room. Though I hardly cared if it were morning or night, time had no meaning to me anymore. When they came in with my breakfast they told me I had to eat, I threw the plate to the ground. They threatened to sedate me, I told them they could all go to hell. I was pissed off, and it was showing.

Dr. Cullen came in to check on me and apologized for being blunt the other day, then left again. I still couldn't figure out why he would apologize to someone like me.

A little after noon, Charlie entered my room and I had to keep a flood of tears at bay the moment I saw him. He looked at me with pitty-filled eyes, remorse, anger and disgust, though it seemed like he was trying very hard to hide that last emotion. I turned my head, the guilt I felt too much to bare in his presence.

"I'm so sorry Bella," Charlie stated, choking a little on his words and I looked at him with confusion written all over my face. Why was everyone apologizing to me when I was the one who should be crawling on my knees and begging for their forgivenis? I just didn't understand.

"I should have protected you. I'm your father and I couldn't keep you safe. I should have known. I failed you. I'm so so sorry," He apologized again as I just stared at him in shock. He was blaming himself? I couldn't believe this.

"No, d-daddy, no! Please, don't feel guilty. It's not your fault, it's mine. And I'm s-so sorry," I cried, hoping he understood what I was saying. I couldn't stand it if he blamed himself. It was just too much.

"No, Bella, don't say that. You have nothing to feel guilty for. That monster hurt you and you have no blame in that. The blame is on him entirely," He said, crying alongside with me. I could tell he wanted to come closer and give me a hug, but I wasn't ready for that just yet and I think he knew and understood that. And I now understood that my father didn't blame me or hate me for what happened; he still loved me as much as he did before. I could see it now. When he mentioned 'the monster', as he called him, the only emotions I saw were anger, hate and disgust, directed at him, not me.

"I love you, daddy," I said, feeling like I needed to tell him. I needed to say the words and he needed to hear them.

"I love you too, Bella, no matter what. And I'll never let anyone hurt you ever again. You're safe now," He said and I believed him. I believed it when he said I was safe now, that he would keep me safe. I could see in his eyes that he spoke nothing but the honest truth.

He left me to get some sleep then and surprisingly, I had a better night sleep than I had had in years. Sure, Phill was in my dreams again, attacking me, but then Charlie rushed in and saved me from him. He had kept his promise and kept me safe, even if it was only in my dreams. Even if only for one dream, I felt a little more at peace knowing I was in safety now. And maybe, just maybe, someday I would be able to move on from all of this. At least I knew I would have Charlie with me to help me make it through.

***

_'Said we're movin on  
And we got nothing to prove  
To anyone  
Cause we'll get through  
We're movin on and on and on and on'_

_Moving On by Good Charlotte_


	12. Chapter 10: Going Home

**Chapter 10: Going Home**

Today was the day I was allowed to go home. Home, I wanted to smile when I thought of it, but I couldn't because I was scared, not of Charlie, not anymore - he wouldn't hurt me - but of those out there that still could get to me and hurt me. There was true evil in the world, all around us, and no matter what Charlie said, even he couldn't keep all the monsters away. He could try, but he couldn't protect me every second of the day.

However, I was glad to be able to leave the hospital after spending 12 long days here, and get away from all the pitiful and disgusting looks the nursing staff and Dr. Cullen gave me. They all tried to tell me that it wasn't my fault, that I was just a child when it started and that I couldn't have stopped him even if I wanted to. They said he had power over me, physically and mentally - mentally because every time I would think of telling, he'd threaten my mom and I'd quickly rethink my decision. But the truth was, even if he hadn't been threatening her, I still don't think I would have told, out of shame, mostly.

Anyway, every time they tried to comfort me, I'd shout obscenaties at them and every time they came to close, I'd panic and a lot of the times they'd have to sedate me. When Dr. Cullen sugested a therapist, I told him to go to hell and never to come near me again - he seemed saddened by it, but not angry, surprisingly, since I knew men had the tendency to get angry at the slightest things.

Today was friday and even though everyone strongly urged against it, I had begged Charlie to let me back to school on monday. I couldn't just sit at home in my room all day, I'd go crazy. He had agreed, reluctantly and bought me a cellphone so I could call him if anything was wrong. Dr Cullen, after a long chat with Charlie, finally agreed to give me a paper saying I was fit enought to go back to my classes, with the exeption of doing sports of any kind for at least three more months. My body and heart still needed more time to heal, he voiced. I didn't mind, I sucked at sports anyway.

Dr. Cullen came in with Charlie, interrupting me from my musings. "Hello Bella, how are you feeling today?" He asked, carefully. _'Like shit, how else?!' _I wanted to shout at him, instead I just shrugged. He was, after all, responsible for saving my life, so I could at least pretend to try and be friendly to him. Though, if I had had the choice, I would've let me die and let go of all this pain.

"Are you feeling up to leaving this place?" He asked and this time I nodded, eagerly. I still didn't speak much around people - something I had learned from _him _- Charlie was hard, but it was getting easier because I trusted him not to hurt or touch me. I still couldn't find it in me to fully trust Dr. Cullen, even though he gave me the feeling that I could, just like his children gave me that same feelings. And at first, I wanted to give into that feeling, badly, but after much consideration, I realized that feelings could be misleading, so I decided to go against the trust I felt toward him and his kids and go with the distrust my mind kept shouting at me. It was the safest thing for me to do, I thought.

"Okay, well your discharge papers are all ready and signed, so Charlie can take you home as soon as you feel up to it. No rush, of course. Take your time to get ready. You will have to come back next friday for a check up, but that's about it. Take care, Bella," Dr. Cullen said - Charlie thanked him - and he left.

"So Bells, 'you ready?" Charlie asked, awkwardly - we could talk, but we still had more awkward than comfortable moments, sadly, but unavoidably in my current state of mind.

"Definately," I said, jumping of the bed, swaying a little due to standing up to fast - Charlie looked like he wanted to rush to my aid, but didn't because he knew I'd panic if he came too close. I steadied myself and headed towards the door - I had dressed in regular clothes that Charlie brought yesterday when I woke up, very eager to leave the hospital.

I felt as though everyone was staring at me as I proceeded out of the hospital, thinking they all knew my secret. Paranoid? I guess, a little - okay, a lot. But I couldn't help it, it was just how I felt.

The drive home was spend mostly in silence. Charlie would, on occasion, ask me how I was doing and each time I gave him my standard answer; I was fine. I could make small talk with him, yes, but that didn't mean I could pour out my heart to him just like that. I wasn't ready to talk about it, and was unsure wether I would ever be ready. It just wasn't something I wanted to talk, or even think about. I could avoid talking about it as much as I wanted, but I could not avoid thinking about it, as it was on my mind every second of every damn day.

Once home, I went straight to my room, already feeling exhausted from the small trip from the hospital to the house. Dr. Cullen had warned me this would happen a lot in the coming weeks, seeing as I was still weak and was heavily medicated at the moments. The infection had been very bad and it would take more than a couple of weeks to fully recover. Though, I knew as well as anybody that a full recovery would never happen. Even if I did manage to achieve some form of happyness in the future, I would always be broken and used.

Charlie came up a little while later with some slices of leftover pizza he had the other day - he knew I couldn't eat much, but that it was essential that I ate something or I would wind up being back in the hospital.

It physically and mentally hurt me to eat, even though it were only 2 small slices, but I managed and as soon as I was finished, I slipped into a restless sleep. Charlie sometimes appeared in my dreams and saved me, like that first night after our conversation, but usualy he stayed away and Phill got to me and hurt me, like he always did. I woke up screaming half the night and Charlie rushing in each time, even though he knew it was probably just a nightmare, he came in so I would know that he would do anything to protect me, even if there was nothing but nightmares to protect me from.

He vowed to me that it would get better, that I would get past this one day and I truly wanted to believe that he was right, but I wasn't sure if I could. I just had to wait and see what the future brought to me. I hoped though, that I wouldn't get hurt again, as I'd had enough of that in my life for one lifetime. I hoped, that if there was a God, he'd give me a break, after everything.

_'Break me, shake me hate me take me over  
When the madness stops then you will be alone  
So won't you break me shake me hate me take me over  
When the madness stops then you will be alone'_

_Break Me, Shake Me by Savage Garden_


	13. Chapter 11: Saved By The Bear

**Chapte****r 11: Saved By The Bear**

Today was Monday, finally, and I was going back to school and getting out of the house. In all honesty, I didn't want to go to school and be around all those people, but I was tired of being cooped up in the house, so I was glad to get out, no matter what the reason.

Charlie drove me to school, because he thought I was still too weak to drive, and I didn't argue. I didn't argue because a part of me still feared how Charlie would react if he were angry - even though I knew he wouldn't hurt me, deep down - and the other part of me just didn't argue because I knew he was right, I was still too weak and tired to drive.

"So..., euh, call me if you need anything. I'll be back to pick you up after school," Charlie said when he dropped me off. I responded with a small smile I was sure didn't reach my eyes.

Once Charlie drove off, I noticed a lot of the students were staring at me and I immediately began to panic and thought they knew how dirty I was. Paranoid again. But then I realized they were probably just staring because I had passed out in the school hallway. Something like that was sure to be big gossip in a small town like this.

I tried to ignore the stares as I made my way to my first class. Spanish and Calculus went by slowly and painfully. Even though I tried to ignore them, the whispers and stares still got to me. But at least I now knew they were only whispering about what happened here at school, and nothing else. Though, some things went pretty far.

"Did she really slit her wrists in the girls bathroom?" One kid had been asking an other and I had to roll my eyes at that one; I hadn't even been found in the bathroom.

When the time came for my third class, I wasn't sure if I should go or not. But I also knew I couldn't postpone it forever, so as quick as I could go once the bell rung, I made my way to English hoping I'd be the first one there.

I was in luck and was the first one to reach the classroom. Mrs. Cullen smiled at me when I entered.

"Bella, welcome back. I've been worried about you," She said in a friendly tone, clearly meaning what she said. I tried to smile but I think it came out as more of a grimace.

"Thank you. Euh, Mrs Cullen, I was wondering if..., if maybe I could change seats," I said, though it came out more of a mumble and I wasn't even sure if she had understood what I'd said.

"May I ask why?" Mrs Cullen asked, not angry, just curious.

"I'd rather not say," I responded, hoping she wouldn't pry, but not expecting much. She surprised me when she simply smiled and nodded.

"I can seat you next to my daughter, Alice. She said she liked you. Would that be okay?" She asked, I nodded and she pointed out my seat just as the other students began to came in. I glanced at Mrs. Cullen and she smiled at me and I began to wonder why she let me change seats so easily. Did she do it simply out of kindness, or had Dr. Cullen told her what happened to me? No, he couldn't have, that was illegal. I hoped he didn't. I didn't want any more people to know. I didn't want nor deserved their pitty.

I heard a chair being pulled out next to me, and looked up to find Alice seated next to me, just like Mrs. Cullen said.

"Hi, Bella," She said, as perky as the first time I'd met her.

"Hi," I said, almost inaudibly. My heart wanted desperately to talk to her, to trust her and be her friend, but my mind kept shouting at me to not trust anybody. And after all that has happened in my life, I was inclined to listen to my mind.

I looked down and began to doodle in my notebook, trying to ignore Alice' presence, no matter how rude I might be coming off.

"I'm sorry I didn't visit you in the hospital. I wanted to, but dad said you needed to rest and I should wait to see you till you came back to school. Please don't be mad," Alice told me, pleading with me with her eyes as I looked at her. This information was news to me and caught me off guard.

"I'm not mad, A-Alice. I'm just..., look, I'm not a good friend to have. You should do yourself a favor and just stay away from me," I said and by the shocked look on Alice' face, this was not what she had expected from me. I sighed and turned back to my doodling, tuning everyone and everything out, including Mrs. Cullen who was trying to teach the class.

Alice didn't try to talk to me again during the remainder of the class and for that I was grateful. Sure, it would have been nice to have a friend, but someone like me didn't deserve friends. People deserved better than a dirty, tainted, evil friend. The least I could do was warn them.

As soon as the bell rang, I fled out of the classroom as fast as I could, avoiding having another encounter with Alice. French passed in a blur; it was like I was there, but somewhere else at the same time.

When the time for lunch came, I was a nervous wreck. The last thing I wanted to do was to go to a full cafeteria, with people whispering about me and Alice possibly asking me to sit with her again, in case she didn't get the message.

I couldn't go and sit out in my truck either, since Charlie drove me here. I was stuck on these school grounds. Eventually, I decided to just go and sit in the library until lunch passed - at least that way I wouldn't be bothered by anyone.

I was walking the halls, coming close to my destination, when I suddenly felt very uneasy. A feeling of dread and fear came over me - feelings I knew all too well - and I stopped, suddenly unable to move.

"Hello," I heard a low voice say - a voice that sounded up to no good, scaring me even more. I jumped and turned around to face a boy I had seen in the hallways before, but who's name I didn't know. He was tall, had long blond hair which he wore in a pony tail and icy blue eyes that made my blood run cold.

He had this ominous aura about him and I didn't like it. He was smirking at me as I stood there, silent, unable to speak, unable to say a simple hello back and move on.

"Now what's a pretty little thing like you doing out here on your own?" He said, stepping closer and closer - too close. My heart started to race and my fear reached its high as I looked into his eyes and knew exactly what he wanted.

_I was 10 and life was perfect. I was happy. I had just crawled into bed, preparing to go to sleep when Phill came into the room. I gave him a bright smile, thinking he was there to wish me goodnight..., but he wasn't. He was looking at me like I was a piece of meat, ready to be devoured. He stole my innocence that night. He stole my soul._

"P-please," I begged, finally finding my voice. Though I knew, that in situations like this, begging did little to no good. My only choice was to fight and I knew I would fail, I was never strong enough and never would be.

He just smirked, closed the distance between us and grabbed me by my upper arms. I felt like I couldn't breath, this was just all too much. Why did this keep happening to me? What did I ever do to deserve all of this? I guess I could answer that question; I was born.

Without warning, he crashed his lips to mine and I began to struggle - it wasn't an unknown boy, it was Phill. It was always Phill and it would always be him. I couldn't escape. I could never escape.

He was tired of my struggles and pinned me against the wall, holding my arms firmly above my head - I couldn't move them. Tears were streaming down my face as he moved one hand to my pants and began to pull them off. I closed my eyes then; I didn't want to see it. I never wanted to see.

"Hey!" A voice shouted and suddenly I was free from the boy's grasp and fell to the ground. I opened my eyes, pulled my pants up and looked to see what had happened. I saw the boy fighting with the 'bear', Emmett McCarthy, Alice' friend.

The boy was loosing and all too soon, he fell to the ground, his face all beat up and bloody. He glared at Emmett and me, then scrambled to his feet and ran.

"This isn't the end of this, James!" Emmett bear bellowed and continued to watch until the boy - James, I knew now - was out of sight. He then turned to me and his expression softened.

"You okay there, Bella?" He asked - I was surprised he remembered my name - but I was too shocked that someone actually saved me to answer.

"Emmett?!" A female voice called out and he looked in the direction the sound came from - I didn't move an inch. My lips were throbbing and my wrists hurt, but I had worse, so I didn't notice it as much as a normal person would.

"Emmett, where have you been? What is this?" The female voice asked and I now recognized it as the voice of the model, Rosalie Hale. Her voice was filled with disdain as she asked what this was.

I heard them speak in hushed tones, but I couldn't make out the words, they were too silent.

"Is she okay?" Rosalie said, loud enough this time for me to hear.

"I don't know, she hasn't said a word. Maybe she's in shock or something," Big bear Emmett - as I called him in my mind - responded. Still I didn't speak.

They both crouched down in front of me with concerned looks upon their faces, even Rosalie looked concerned for me, despite her obvious disinterest in me the first time we met.

"Jezus, look at your wrists," She said, gently taking a hold of them, examining them. It was so weird that I wasn't scared of them, despite my mind's cries, and that I didn't flinch away from them.

"I've had worse," I muttered silently, despite my resolve to stay quiet. I didn't even realize I'd said it out lout until I saw the way Rosalie and Emmett were looking at me.

"I called Chief Swan. He's on his way," Emmett said and I gaped at him in shock. He did what?! No! I didn't want Charlie to know about this, not this too. But it was too late to protest now, the damage was already done.

No one spoke another word, I sure as hell didn't want to say anything and it seemed that Rosalie and Emmett just didn't know what to say or do, so they just stayed with me. The sirens of Charlie's cruiser reached the school before lunch was even over, though I'm sure those in the cafeteria heard too and would be curious. And I was right.

As Charlie came running towards me, other students had seen him and followed him, curious as to why he was here, in full police mode. Charlie's eyes widened when he saw how close Rosalie and Emmett were sitting by me, but he didn't comment on it and kept his distance himself, thankfully.

"Bella, are you okay?" He asked and I almost scoffed at that. Of course I wasn't okay, I would never be okay. But I knew he meant if I was okay after what just happened, and honestly, no, I wasn't, but I wasn't about to say that.

"Fine, just a little tired. Can we go home?" I asked, Charlie sighed and frowned.

"After you, Mr. McCarthy and Ms. Hale come to the station with me and give a statement. My boys are arresting James Candice as we speak," Charlie said, official police tone. I shook my head.

"No. I'm not pressing any charges," I said, my voice surprisingly firm giving the condition I was in. Everyone that knew what was going on looked at me with shocked expressions, while the few curious students behind Charlie just whispered and looked at me as if I were a shiny toy to play with. I guess I was exactly that, to everyone.

"Bella, this boy tried to rape you," Charlie tried to reason with me, but I was far from being reasoned with.

"So? What possible damage could he have done?" I retorted and Charlie knew what I was referring to. Phill had already damaged me beyond repair, so what possible damage could being raped one more time do? Not much, I figured. Charlie didn't say anything.

"Bella, James could have hurt you bad. The guy is bad news. What if he tries it again because he's not in jail when he should have been?" This time, Emmett tried to reason with me and I had to admit he had a point. I didn't want to be responsible for this happening to someone else, but I still didn't care that he had almost raped me. I just didn't have the energy to care.

"Fine, I'll go to the station. But I still don't give a damn what happens," I said and finally stood up. Emmett, Rosalie and I followed Charlie out to the cruiser, leaving the few curious bystanders behind to give everyone their exagerated version of what they think happened. Emmett and Rosalie drove their own cars to the station while I went with Charlie, in complete silence. I needed the silence right now.

_'Haunting you, I can smell you alive  
Your heart pounding in my head._

_Watching me, haunting me  
I can feel you pull me down  
Saving me, raping me  
Watching me..'_

_Haunted by Evanescence_


	14. Chapter 12: Shaken To The Core

**Chapter 12: Shaken To The Core**

After I gave my statement, Charlie asked Rosalie to drive me home, since he had to stay and process James. She agreed and now we were silently driving to my home. Not a word was spoken, not until she stopped the car before the house. She then turned to me with a sad expression in her eyes - apparantly her dislike for me had completely evaporated.

"Bella, what did you mean when you said you had had worse?" She asked, but I completely ignored her. She didn't need to know, she couldn't know, too many people already knew.

"Thank you for the ride, Rosalie, and please thank Emmett for me as well," I said, then quickly left the car, leaving a stunned Rosalie behind. She probably just wasn't used to not getting what she wanted, this time it being information.

I ran into the house as fast as I could without tripping, headed up to my room and let myself fall onto the bed as I began to cry uncontrollably. I hated this, this crying, it seemed it was all I ever did nowadays, making up for lost time.

There was a knock on the door, but I ignored it, it wasn't of any importance to me. But the knock didn't go away and only grew more irritating. I wiped my tears away, angrily and went downstairs to open the door.

I was too shocked to say anything when I saw who it was. I figured I was probably hallucinating. After all, what would my angel be doing _here_? I blinked my eyes a couple of times, but he didn't go away, he was still here. Edward Cullen, my angel, was here. Why?

"Emmett told me what happened and I just wanted to see for myself if you're okay?" He suddenly spoke and I think my eyes almost bulged out of my head. Why would he care? I was nothing to him. I was nothing period.

"I-I'm fine," Was all I managed to say. For some reason, I found it very hard to utter any words around this angel. Not because I was scared of him - no - for some reason I could never be scared of him. And that was why it was so hard to speak to him.

"Emmett told me Chief Swan is still at work, so I was hoping I could keep you company until he gets home. I don't feel entirely comfortable about leaving you alone right now," He said, and I wordlessly opened the door further for him to step inside. Why I was letting someone I knew nothing about exept his name come into my house, I didn't know. I just knew he wouldn't hurt me, for some reason.

He followed me into the kitchen and sat down at the table; looking as angelic as ever. I was keeping myself from freaking out because I didn't know why this boy has such an effect on me, even more so than his family and friends. It was strange, but when I was around him, I felt like I was home, at last. And this was not good, not for someone like me. I couldn't get attached to anyone, because even if I didn't think that they would, people always ended up hurting you. I'd learned that the hard way.

"I was worried about you. When I brought you to the hospital you were in such a bad condition. I thought you were dying a-and it made me really anxious and sad. I don't know why, but I did," He opened the conversation after I gave him a glass of water. I didn't understand what he was saying, I couldn't. Why would he feel sad or anxious about _me_ dying? It didn't make any sense.

"You shouldn't be here, Edward," I responded, practically on autopilot, pushing people away as usual. I didn't want to push him away - not him, not my angel - but it was what I did. It was my fight or flight instict taking over, and it always said flight. No matter how safe Edward made me feel, I'd always take the flight over the fight.

Edward seemed a little hurt by my words and grimaced.

"Is this the part where you tell me I'd be doing myself a favor by staying away from you? That you're not a good friend? Because if it is, save it. Alice told me what you said to her and I know you don't mean it. You're pushing everyone that wants to get close to you away, but it won't work, Bella. No one is giving up on you, no matter how much you want them too."

I think my mouth flew open in shock. How did he know all of that? How did he know me so well? He didn't know me, yet he knew me better than anyone ever had. How was that even possible? I was pulled from my thoughts by the slamming of a car door. Charlie was home. Edward stood up, taking Charlie's arrival as his moment to leave.

"I'll see you at school tomorrow. Oh, and Alice is picking you up before school. She's already cleared it with Charlie. Bye, Bella," He said, then walked out of the kitchen. I faintly heard him exchanging pleasantries with Charlie, but the words didn't register.

Just when I thought my life couldn't get any more strange, Edward Cullen showed up at my doorstep, shaking everything up.

_'It's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?  
How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?_

Why did you come here?  
You weren't invited.  
You were on the outside - Stay on the outside.'

_How by Lisa Loeb_


	15. Chapter 15

_**Author's note:**_

Hey, all. I know I promised I'd keep updating regularly and not disappear anymore, but there were things I just couldn't walk away from to write a story. My dad got sick, really sick, he almost died. He had to have this massive surgery and it was very touch and go for a while. I've been spending almost all my time with him in the hospital. He's only been home since last tuesday and he still has a lot of health problems we need to be careful off and has 3 nurses a day coming to take care of something still from the surgery. If my dad can get through this next month, through christmas and his birthday (January 1st) okay, then I'm back. If there's another setback, if he dies like they say is still a possibility due to some complications he could have, especially blood clots (he's had them before), then I don't know. I'll let you know at the beginning of January. Again, I'm very sorry, but my family is more important to me than a few stories. I love writing these stories, I do, but they're not the most important things in my life. Sometimes, you gotta set some things aside for more important things, which is what I've been doing these last months. Please bare with me for another couple of weeks, and then I'll let you know the outcome. Then I'll let you know if I'll be back or not.

Lots of love,

Lieselot.


	16. Chapter 13: Saving Angel

**_A/N: Hi. First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for the kind and supporting words in regards to my father's health. It meant a lot to me. Second of all, I'm so sorry I was away for so long. I'd never planned to disappear like this for a year, so I am sorry. It's been a hell of a rocky year. My dad's been in an out of the hospital, we nearly lost him several times. He had 5 surgeries this past year alone, each one more lifethreatening than the one before. He's been home for about two weeks now, before that he was in the hospital with kidney failure, which the doctors were able to rectify, thank god. He's not out of the woods yet (the longest he's been home this year has been exactly 2 months), but I realize I can't let this, the bad things, stop me from living my own life, doing what I like to do. So, yeah, I'm back, and I'm not leaving again. I hope you'll find it in your hearts to forgive me for being gone for so long. It will never happen again_**

**Chapter 13: Saving Angel**

I desperately wanted to slam my alarm clock against the wall today. I didn't want to get up and face everybody today. I just wanted to stay home and hide away in my bedroom for the rest of my life. But I knew Charlie would never allow that - a couple of days, yes, but not forever. So with extreme reluctance I got out of bed and dressed for the day, wishing for the end of it to come soon.

Nearly an hour later, Alice rang the front door bell, picking me up as promised. I wondered if it was too late to chicken out, after all. Sighing, I shook that thought out of my head. If I didn't go today, I'd never go.

"Hi, Alice," I said upon opening the front door. Without hesitation she threw her arms around me, hugging me tightly, but not so much that it could hurt. Again, I was grateful that her touch didn't make me flinch, for some reason.

"Oh Bella, I heard about what happened, I'm so sorry," She all but cried. I frowned, what did she have to be sorry about?

"I'm not letting you out of my sight today, missy, you can bet on that."

"Er, sure. Let me just grab my coat," I said, not sure how to respond to the fact that apparantly, for today at least, I had a bodyguard.

Thanks to Alice' incredible fast and dangerous driving style, we made it to the school in record time. During the ride she'd babbled on and on about this and that, I wasn't really listening, and I stayed quiet. Thinking, just thinking. Not thinking about _the monster _always made me think of _him_ anyway, so I now I just thought about one thing after another, trying to keep my mind occupied.

Such as Edward, I thought about him a lot, wondering how he seemed to know me so well and why I seemed to feel such a strong connection to him, stronger than even Alice or their friends. Maybe it was because part of me liked him, and thought we would've made a good couple, had I not been so utterly and completely damaged.

I wish I'd met him sooner, when I wasn't yet broken, maybe he would've been the one to save me? I could see it in my mind, Edward, my saving grace. But it was too late now, wasn't it? I was beyond saving, beyond redemption.

I didn't talk to anyone during school, exept Alice, who followed me to every class (even if she wasn't in it) and picked me up after every class. Off course Alice wanted me to sit with her and her friends during lunch, but I refused. I couldn't deal with all the stares during lunch as well, it was enough experiencing it in the hallways and during class. At least in Phoenix I had the luxury of being invisible for the most part; that wasn't the case here.

Instead, Alice joined me outside for lunch, even though it was nearly freezing. It seemed she took this bodyguard businus very seriously. I think she sensed that I didn't really want to talk, because we ate in silence all the way through lunch. The rest of the day went by in the same fashion as it did before lunch. Alice dropping me off and picking me off.

At the end of the day, as I was walking with Alice to her car, I saw Edward and met his eyes. And once again, not for the first time, I wished I'd met him sooner, so that he could have saved me before it was too late.

_'Somebody save me  
I don't care how you do it  
Just stay  
Stay  
Come on  
I've been waiting for you'_

_Save Me (Smallville Theme) by Remy Zero  
_


End file.
